Light Blue Hospital Mask
You’re the practical type. You’re not looking to make a big deal out of this, you’re just following the rules. They say wear a mask, you wear a mask. If this one breaks, no problem, you’ve got a pack of 100 just like it back home. You store them next to your supply of single-ply toilet paper. Your hobbies include watching TV and shopping for TVs. Your favorite character from The Office is Toby, but you could probably be convinced otherwise. When the barista gives you the wrong drink, you delight in a decision being made for you. Every Halloween you dress up as a ghost and at baseball games you cheer for the umpire. Not everyone can be interesting; otherwise, no one would be. Thanks for doing your part, person.
Homemade Mask
Well look who’s crafty? You love home projects and getting your hands dirty. Why spend money on masks when you can make your own funky ones? You also make your own money anyway. You call them Hibbles and they all have your face on them. The Hibble has actually been doing quite well during the pandemic. You’ve explained this to multiple businesses but still have trouble getting cashiers to understand. When you’re not busy printing Hibbles and making funky masks, you can be found preaching your ideas at people on the subway. You’ve thought that the world was going to end on multiple occasions already, but this next time is definitely the one. Invest in more Hibbles while there’s still time left.
Black Cloth Mask
You appreciate simplicity, cleanliness, and minimalism. Black is always in style, and you are nothing if not stylish. Absolutely nothing. You are no one. Nobody’s even heard of you. You don’t live on the grid, but you don’t quite live off it either. You have yet to show up in a photograph, and you don’t cast a shadow in the light. Perhaps you ARE the shadow, cast by Father Time himself. Can you even be imagined??? In a way, you represent everything but at the same time, very much nothing. To actually know you is to know the void that exists in all of us, desperate yet impossible to be filled… your lucky numbers are 12, 54, and 73.
Face Shield
You’re the overly cautious type. But you know what they say, the overly cautious bird doesn’t get COVID-19. You like to have control over your life, and that quality has gotten you far. You always carry an extra sponge in your car; you never know when your first sponge is going to get saturated, after all. And when you lock your car door you also duct tape it shut. Nobody’s getting at your sponges! Sure, your duct tape budget is more than most, but security ain’t cheap. That’s why you keep all your money in puzzle boxes, and all those puzzle boxes six feet in the ground. No one knows where they’re buried, not even you. That keeps them safe.
Bandana
You’re the bad boy of mask-wearing and everyone knows it. You’re technically following the rules, can’t say anything bad about you. You’ve got a bandana on your face, after all. You ride Heelys as your main mode of transportation – nobody’s got rules against Heelys. As a kid you put your hand right in front of your sibling’s face and said “I’m not touching you.” That’s a hilarious gag and you still do that to strangers today. You say potato chips are vegetables, you’ve been to all fifty states if you count flying over them (you do), you’ve never formed a meaningful connection with another human being, and you’ll be damned if you ever do. Keep on rockin’, dude!
Mask Below the Nose
You’re one of a kind. Everyone’s on a different path, and yours is just a bit slower than most. You’ve almost got the hang of this whole mask thing. Cut yourself some slack, you’re most of the way there. It’s not like you’re walking around maskless; it’s the thought that counts after all. And sure, you still need help tying your shoes – big deal! You couldn’t tie either one of them a few years ago, and now you’ve got the left shoe down pat. Only one to go, champ! By the way, it’s bullshit that you were fired from Pizza Hut. If they really care so much about the order of the ingredients, they should number them. Dough, sauce, then cheese? Who do they think you are, Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory? Don’t listen to the haters, keep doing you. Keep your head high and your mask low.
No Mask
Maverick. You absolute maverick. You live by your own rules, and those rules don’t include a mask. You stand up for your beliefs and you’ll die before you bow down and examine those beliefs. Be warned, brave warrior, the weak will challenge you. They will try and force you to learn their weakness. Don’t fall for it! Never waver. Never learn. In this life there are sheep, and then there are lions. Roar your mighty roar, you lion. Grab life by the horns and then feast on its throat. And don’t even think about sanitizing your hands before you do.
