Hello excited campers (and parents, of course)! We are preparing the final touches on Camp Bisque to be your home away from home for the summer once again. We mean it when we say we want camp to feel like your home, and we truly feel like we’ve created something special this year. With lots of new activities to look forward to and a new, foolproof plan for dealing with Lobster Man, the hulking killer that prowls the camp’s grounds, we know this summer is going to be unforgettable!
Now, enough chitter chatter, it’s time to build hype! Here’s a quick rundown of what you cool kids can expect on just your first day at camp! Parents, time for you to get jealous!
Greeting:
As soon as you’re off the bus, you’ll be greeted by the counselors that will have your back, no matter what you need! Then, you’ll meet your bunkmates. These are not just your Bisque brothers and sisters, but the friends you’ll be flossing and dabbing with all summer! Finally, the second you hit the camp property lines, you’ll be given your own small bottle of spray butter to fend off Lobster Man, if he should decide to crash the party. Remember, his eyes are the most vulnerable to the butter, which is like acid to his mutated exterior.
Inaugural Hike:
As tradition goes, camp always starts with a fun hike to the top of Kettle Point. Like in previous years, Lobster Man will use the thick coverage of the woods to stalk and hunt you, but unlike previous years, we have a better plan in effect than “Run!” This time around, we will be clanging pots and pans as we walk. The sound is screeching to his ear-like antennae. Oh, and don’t worry, the heads of your bunks have been practicing clanking to the tune of all your favorite TikTok songs, like “Castaways,” by Backyardigans, and “Vagina,” by Cupcakke, so we will be rocking out all the way up the trail.
Canoe Trip:
We almost didn’t spoil this one, but we’re too psyched not to share. We won’t be walking back from Kettle Point, we’ll be paddling! The canoe trip will be a fun way to see the luscious sights around camp as we coast down stream all the way back to the docks. Just to address the elephant in the room, Lobster Man is much faster underwater than on land, so each canoe will have its very own grease bucket. If you believe your canoe is moments away from being flipped, stranding you in the open water with a vaguely supernatural killer, simply pour a little of the grease into the water, and the scent will send him speeding away. And even though I cannot believe I have to reiterate this, do NOT eat the grease. This means you, Eric Peters.
Crafts:
Back at camp, it’s craft time! Every camper will make their own copy of the amulet that combats Lobster Man’s dark magic (there’s magic now). Of course, the real amulet will be locked away in the head counselors’ cabin, but we think Lobster Man will likely be unable to tell the difference. Don’t be afraid to change up the color scheme and really make your amulet your own!
Other Things:
Let me just take a moment and share a few quick updates:
Doors have been made tighter to make chases easier to navigate due to L.M.’s large frame
We took the time this year to make a map of the ancient underground labyrinth that has existed under the camp for two hundred years. We ask that campers avoid this area at all costs! Or, at least until the start of color war.
Our groundskeeper this year is a very normal looking 28-year-old named Kevin. We now understand that hiring raggedy old men only inevitably leads to campers screaming “Lobster Man!” when they see him in the dead of night. Please do not spray Kevin with butter when he is fixing a leak.
Finally, we love joking around as much as you do, but please, no mention of the word “crab” this year.
Bonfire:
And lastly, you knew we wouldn’t close out the day without gathering the entire Camp Bisque family at the fire pit to unwind and roast some s’mores. We will socialize, get messy, and set the tone for the amazing summer to follow.
Plus, this year, newly crowned Junior Counselor Jake Watkins from bunk 11 has volunteered to share the spooky tale of the cursed former chef known as Lobster Man.
Yes, prepare yourself for the annual retelling of the twisted tale of the man who was head chef as this very camp in 1973. The same chef who, while preparing the giant pot of lobster bisque we always (and we mean always) end our summer with, fell in and became a horrible manifestation of human, lobster, and bisque. We won’t spoil what happens next, but it’s always a fun story that only gets better each year as the body count slowly tapers down to a legally acceptable number.
We look forward to seeing everyone’s smiling faces next Wednesday, and can assure you that this will be the greatest summer of your young lives!!!
