Recently I, human reporter Walt Braley, wrote an investigative piece where I made audacious, unsubstantiated, and downright ridiculous claims that there could be mutant slugs with the power to control our feeble human minds. Even sillier, I suggested these slugs could already be a threat, living among us in secret hives.
I, of my own free will, wanted to take this time to follow up on that report, as there has been a multitude of new evidence confirming that these rumored slugs are nothing to worry about. In fact, mutated slugs that have the ability to slither into your ear canal, implant onto your brain, and control your every thought, move, and feeling are absolutely not real, and the notion of suggesting so is preposterous.
Furthermore, there are definitely no hidden hives of slugs underneath the city. That is comically untrue, and anyone believing otherwise is a fool who should be tossed into the nearest sewer entrance so that they may see the lack of dangerous slugs for themselves.
Lastly, my previous accusation that the slugs were amassing resources with which to take over the surface is a ludicrous rumor at best. I would like to request that you expunge the thought from your mind immediately and literally.
With the truth now shared, we, er… I want to apologize to everyone for the spread of misinformation I had a major part in. To make amends, I am thrilled to invite everyone to a gathering in the middle of downtown. It will be held in the large, open, and virtually inescapable parking lot right across from the two manholes on the corners of the streets.
Please stand close together and look up towards the sky as you await the special surprise we – oops, did it again – I have planned.