That’s right, enjoy your weight loss and new hobby resolutions, amateurs. I am going in a whole new direction this year. After the absolute bummer of a year I just had (multiple threats on my life, friends, and family), I am doing a full revamp (government-funded relocation).
I know resolutions are hard to stick to and life is unpredictable. I mean, my resolution last year wasn’t to witness local Chattanooga weatherman Carl Fisher choke a production assistant to death, but you know what they say God does when we make plans. Regardless, Fisher’s hired goons will have a lot of trouble carrying out the coded threats he’s been delivering to me over the air, since when his hit squad searches for Walt Braley, they won’t find me.
See, it’s 2022, and they’d need to look for the new me, Lars Bankston (I was not allowed to pick).
I’m thinking this year, it’s less takeout and frozen dinners, and more labors of love in the kitchen. I’ve been saying I’d get better at cooking for quite a few years now, and this year, I mean it! Besides, I’ve got eight months until I have to testify against Fisher, and it’s not like there’s a ton to go out and do in Minnesota.
And sure, I’m going to lose a little weight. We could stand to lose a few, right? I’ve already bought a membership to the only gym here in Maplewood, Minnesota, and I will stick to my routine this year. With my completely overhauled wardrobe (no more bowling shirts – mostly hoodies and sweats now) and my new haircut and beard trim (combover and mustache), a new fit bod is the last step to making me look the best I’ve looked in years.
Then there’s my last and most important resolution. I am going to make time for my family. Last year I spent so much time at work (show producer on the nightly news) and this year I’m going to translate that time into quality time. I know the wife will appreciate it, and I have to do something to win back the kids’ trust since they had a little freakout when Fisher threatened them while reporting on a small cold front. I’m already hard at work on this one, even volunteering to pick the kids up from Middlebrook Middle School, where they attend and take part in extracurriculars on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
This year is a new year, but really, it’s my year. And let me, Lars Bankston of 7721 West Gate Crossing, Maplewood, Minnesota, tell you that I am going to make the absolute most of it.