This is a hard article for me to write. Mostly because I recently started unlearning reading and writing.
You see, I’m part of a new movement sweeping the country that is rejecting literacy for the big-government conspiracy that it is.
First they came for our privacy (#BirdsArentReal). Then they came for our democracy (#StopTheSteal). And now they’re coming for our bodies (#Scamdemic). But we missed the biggest hoax of all.
When you stop to really think about it, it’s obvious: We’re all indoctrinated as children to read and write, making us dependent on newspapers, libraries, and the dictionary industry. The nuclear family is destroyed as loving parents are replaced by long-dead authors with foreign names (can any red-blooded American definitively tell me how Goethe is pronounced?). Children are forced to communicate and learn from others, a clear socialist plot to build worker solidarity. It’s nanny state paternalism run amok (my illiteracy teacher says mixed metaphors and the overuse of parentheticals are an important step on my journey to blissful ignorance).
Without literacy, the faceless bureaucrats in DC wouldn’t be able to promulgate their freedom-hating rules and regulations, and public school teachers wouldn’t be able to teach their racist curriculum. Court stenographers and spelling bee proctors would have to find real jobs. And most importantly, the abhorrent trend in interior design of affixing text with cheesy aphorisms on walls (think “today’s menu has two choices: take it or leave it”) would come to an unceremonious end.
Widespread literacy also empowers the Silicon Valley elite. Facebook and Twitter need us to keep reading and writing things down for them to get their precious clicks. But we will no longer be a cog in their machine! I mean, hello, is it a coincidence that Amazon, that godless behemoth now controlling all aspects of our lives, started as an online bookstore? Or that Google has changed its name to “Alphabet”? Or that Microsoft’s flagship software program is called, simply, “Word”?
So no, Mr. Gates, my family and I will not be hooked on your phonics, thank you very much.
Some religious readers might be wondering, “But what about the Bible? How will we continue to pass down the stories of Genesis, Exodus, Revelations, and the like?” To that I say: Through the oral tradition of AM talk radio and picture-book-focused homeschooling, as God intended.
Spreading the word about our movement is of course a challenge (giving up literacy doesn’t mean giving up your sense of humor!). Emoticons will have to be improved. And yes, compromises, like this article, will sometimes be required (I’ve promised my fellow travelers that all future missives will be in the form of a catchy jingle).
But we live in an exciting age when all things are possible. Consensus around previously inarguable societal values – like “political violence is bad” or “medical science is helpful” – are proving vulnerable. The “progress” globalists promised no longer feels inevitable: Lifespans are shortening, wages are stagnating, and democracies are failing. But literacy marches on. Well, not on my watch. We must get back to first principles and recapture the spirit – and high illiteracy rates – of this country’s founding.
Joining our growing movement is simple: Stop reading and writing, pull your kids out of school, and find a group of like-minded members of your community. You’ll be surprised by what you can learn by word of mouth.