People think you have to be a wizard to wear a wizard robe, which has got to be the only reason I haven’t sold any. But it’s not true – wizard robes are also great for cult leaders, cosplaying Harry Potter fans, or any middle-aged guy who opens a wizard-themed store when their marriage falls apart!
A wizard robe will amaze and impress your friends, family, and coworkers who wear wizard robes. You’ll stand out in a crowd, as the crowd will avoid you. People you don’t even know will stop and stare at you on the street!
I should know, I own the Wizard Castle store. I have worn a wizard robe every day for thirteen years, and look at me – I own a store!
Wizard robes are breezy, alluring, and mysterious. “What’s he hiding under that robe?” people will wonder. They might even ask you, or they might be afraid of you – it really says more about them than it does about your wizard robe.
Wherever you go, you’ll be the center of attention! People can’t help asking questions about a wizard robe, such as “why?” and “seriously?”
If they ask where you got your robe, be sure to tell them it’s the original Wizard Castle on Glenview Boulevard, not Wizard King on 17th Street, and definitely not those bastards at Wizard Emporium on East Maple. Screw those guys!!!
People ask if wizard robes are the only clothes I sell. Of course not! There are some (though very few) occasions when a wizard robe might not be appropriate. I wore one to my wedding, for example, but not to my divorce hearing, though only because my attorney advised against it. Besides, it would be nearly impossible for my store to survive if I only sold wizard robes, as a certain wizard store across town keeps undercutting my prices!
That’s why I also sell wizard cloaks. Wizard cloaks are remarkably versatile. You can layer one over a wizard robe for a stunning wizard ensemble, or toss one over anything you’re wearing for a dash of wizard style!
You know whose wizard cloaks suck? Wizard Emporium’s. Just like their awful wizard hats. And don’t get me started on their wands, which break before you finish casting your first spell.
Be sure to check out our wizard accessories! Wizard Castle is the tri-state area’s leading seller (despite the soulless crooks at Wizard Emporium) of wizard pins, rings, brooches, amulets, charms, clips, and clasps. Our attractive sales staff (me) can help you pick the right ones. You’ll need a clasp, for example, if you’re wearing a wizard cloak, unless you’re pairing it with a wizard robe, in which case the cloak can dangle open, fluttering seductively to give admirers a flirtatious peek of the wizard robe underneath.
No wizard wardrobe is complete without a wand, but not all wands look good with all robes. That’s why you need the consultants (also me) at Wizard Castle to guide you through our extensive selection of wands. Otherwise, you could end up waving an “Elf Cloud” model wand while wearing a “Dark Warlock” robe, which obviously would look ridiculous. It would be like wearing a wizard hat with a hooded robe. People would think you’re crazy!
We’ll help you choose the robe length, trim, and sleeve-depth that suits you best. Should you go with hooded or unhooded? How many hidden pockets do you need? What about sashes and belts – should you cinch your robe? The choices can be overwhelming without guidance from a seasoned expert, such as someone who sacrificed their marriage for a wizard store.
I mentioned sleeve-depth because it’s a critical aspect of choosing the right robe. We have a range of sleeve shapes, from our demure line of narrow, droopy sleeves to our “Mystical Gnome” collection of sleeves shaped like enormous wings. Some people don’t look good in bat-wing wizard sleeves, though most look amazing.
Like I said, we’re a bit overstocked, so we’re having a big Solstice Sale! Half-off all wizard robes! Free clasp when you buy a cloak! Plus, two-for-one wands! Keep one for yourself, and give the other to one of your many friends who have been clamoring for a wizard wand!
Solstice is the time of year when wizards remember our true purpose: to spread love, joy, and compassion. All sales are final during the Solstice Sale, so don’t try returning items just because you found them cheaper at Wizard Emporium, which can burn in hell with their cut-rate robes.
Also, stop coming into the store asking for Halloween elf costumes. Do we look like an elf store? We’re a fucking wizard store!
Happy Solstice!
“Master Wizard” Todd Peterson
