MOSCOW – President Vladimir V. Putin released a statement declaring the sole purpose of his nation’s “helpful engagement” in Ukraine was to eliminate an infestation of Alien Xenomorphs menacing the Ukrainian people.
“Any images of civilian casualties, leveled cities, or waves of refugees are only proof of the death and destruction caused by the Alien endoparasitoids that have taken control of Ukraine,” read Putin’s statement.
“We have sent Russian troops to heroically save the country from the Xenomorph invasion. Our forces are like an army of Ellen Ripleys, exterminating the Aliens from the Nostromo, which in this analogy is Ukraine. It’s exactly like that.”
“Only attackers as powerful as Xenomorphs could have caused so much damage in such a short time,” the statement continued. “Our soldiers must now go house-to-house searching for the deadly species, which cluster near the population centers they feed upon.”
Russian government news agency TASS was the first to report the statement, released after the Kremlin’s previous reason for attacking its neighbor – that Ukraine harbored an unacceptable number of Nickelback fans – was roundly dismissed by Western leaders, who argued that Ukraine’s Nickelback problem was minor, especially compared with their own.
“We need to continue the bombing in order to kill the adult Xenomorphs, but it’s not just the adults we need to worry about,” Putin insisted. “Our troops must decimate the entire country in order to eliminate the creatures at every stage of their life cycle.”
“Facehuggers can hide in the rubble, so it takes ground troops to root them out. Bunkers and bomb shelters protect countless Xenomorph eggs. Then there are the Chestbursters, which require that we take control of government institutions, which Chestbursters have been known to inhabit once they burst out of chests.”
Putin expressed his commitment to continuing the fight until “…the Alien Queen is slain, and all her eggs destroyed. The latest information we have is that she is staying very close to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. It would be terrible, but justified under the circumstances, if Zelensky was accidentally killed when we take out the Queen’s nest.
“We only hope the Xenomorphs don’t flee into neighboring countries. Our noble Russian fighters would have to pursue them, into Moldova for example, or even NATO-member nations.”
“The Aliens are also waging a cyberwar to undermine our morale by saying we’re losing the war against them. Fortunately, the Russian government is blocking all information sources to prevent Xenomorph propaganda from spreading.”
“Finally,” concluded Putin’s statement, “I want to say how shameful it is for the United States, Europe, and other countries to side with the Xenomorphs. Don’t blame Russia if you wake up to find yourselves host carriers for the next generation of Alien offspring.”
