A few weeks back, I did my typical morning routine. Woke up, poured myself a black coffee from a pot I’ve never cleaned and went through the Fox News notifications I got overnight. As I ignore all of the school shootings and libtard stuff, I come across some WNBA broad named Brittany Griner being held hostage by Putin because of a vape pen (a lady cigarette)!
Uh, total yawn? No wonder no one is really talking about it! I just think an NBA player would be a much more talented Russian hostage than this woman they got locked up.
One reason why a real baller would thrive under a Russian tyrant? They won’t cry. Well, unless they injure themselves in front of millions of fans, win a championship, or just simply get fouled when they are making an easy layup. But a WNBA player? Oh boy, these ladies? They’ll cry if they break a nail! Or if you dox them from your Twitter burner account. Such crybabies.
It takes real talent to not cry when you’re under interrogation by an unpredictable Russian dictator with access to a nuclear stockpile during the biggest European conflict since World War II. An NBA player, a real gorgeous human specimen, just has superior tear ducts to women that are biologically programmed to not cry when they’re political hostages. Maybe if Brittney managed her emotions better she wouldn’t be using a vape pen to escape her feelings! Let the men do the drugs and be the hostages too, okay toots?
Let’s not forget, NBA players are so much stronger than WNBA ones. Just look at the size of NBA players’ hands as they palm the basketball that’s made to fit a man’s hand. Those hands? Those stubs are just made for hostage handcuffs. A WNBA player’s dainty hands aren’t made for those things. I mean come on, do they even make cuffs in women players’ sizes? What about the prison basketball courts? Are there even enough women prisoners to make a team? They’ll probably have to recruit from the men’s prison to get a starting five. And can they even reach the rim?
And I’m sorry, but NBA players are just more entertaining to watch get covered by the media. If I’m not watching my team dunk and pass in primetime, I want to see them broadcasted by every national news source because of an international dispute. Remember Djokovic at the Australian Open? That poor guy. Trapped in communist Australia, just wanting to play the game he loved most while forgoing all of the country’s laws. Now that’s an athlete I can get behind and feel sorry for.
How are we supposed to care about a jailed woman abroad during wartime for what should be a minor offense when I haven’t seen any of her games and also don’t want to? Listen, the media’s thinking the exact same thing. Give Fox the face of an athlete who’s making eight figures and plays in a real arena and they’ll run his story on a 24/7 news cycle to the point where Putin himself would have to unlock the jail cell and let our baby come home.
One thing both fans of sports and international relations can agree on is that an NBA player would know how to negotiate geopolitical situations better. First off, the NBA would just have more money to pay off the Russians. And that’s not the NBA’s fault! Not to mention, men are just more used to dribbling out of sticky situations. Think about it: our president is a man. Russia’s president is a man. Do you see where I’m going? All an in-danger NBA player and Putin would need to do is have a little 1-on-1 match before the whole thing would be swept under the rug. Putin and a WNBA player? Well, you know men and women are in different leagues for a reason!
What can I say? I’m just a man who prefers to watch male athletes struggle against a violent nation on the world stage! It’s just what I grew up watching with my dad. Anyway, I’m off to go watch some March Madness games (the men, of course)!