Disclaimer: I am not a professional, but I do have over 12,000 followers on Instagram (follow me at @therelaxationgurrrrl696969) and as a survivor of two rear-end car accidents and one fire hydrant curb run-in (my fault, I was texting), I have personally experienced trauma and found these tricks to be very healing. Also, I have a rescue dog. I hope these tips help you find peace and relaxation in any scenario.
When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep
This one happens to the best of us. Especially in these uncertain times, I often find myself waking up wide-eyed and gasping for air, staring into the darkness and hoping for it to swallow me. I’ll share what I do at those times, and hopefully it works for you.
You’ll need: a cozy kitchen, a freezer bag, a bowl of warm water, and headphones.
Step 1. First, get up and walk to your kitchen but don’t turn on the light.
Step 2. Grab a plastic freezer bag like the Ziploc® Freezer Gallon Bag with Grip N’Seal Technology. Put yourself into the bag and zip it all the way up. Make sure to squeeze out any excess air before sealing for maximum freshness.
Step 3. Store the bag in the freezer for 30 days.
Step 4. After 30 days, take the bag with your body in it out of the freezer and let thaw. Once thawed (about 4-6 hours), get out of the bag. Important: Do NOT open the bag until fully thawed.
Step 5. Put on a 10-minute meditation podcast…. and voila! You’ll be asleep in no time.
When you receive a “can we talk?” message from your romantic partner
Partnerships are all about communication. Yet, it’s just human nature to fear the unknown, and there’s nothing more unknown than a cryptic question from someone who has seen you naked. In times like these, this recipe always works for me.
You’ll need: a knife, a watermelon, one notebook, a shovel, and two onions.
Step 1. First, quarter the watermelon with the knife.
Step 2. Next, slice the quarters.
Step 3. Then, cube the slices.
Step 4. Once the watermelon has been neatly chopped, check in with yourself. Are you feeling better or worse than before you picked up the knife? If better, you are probably fine and can skip to step eight. If worse, you probably did something wrong so continue to step five.
Step 5. Put the watermelon in a Tupperware container and, using a page from the notebook, attach a note to the container that says, “Went out for a hike, help yourself ☺”
Step 6. Drive out to the desert and, using the shovel, bury any evidence of anything you’ve ever done wrong in a hole. Remain until finished, about 3-4 days.
Step 7. Before returning home, rub one onion over your car and body to mask the smell of the desert, and rub the other onion over your eyes to create the illusion of tears. You are now ready to confront your partner, who will have been so worried about your disappearance they will have forgotten what they wanted to talk to you about. Do not do step eight.
Step 8. Use the shovel to dig a hole in your backyard to bury the notebook and onions, and take a nap until your partner returns.
When you achieve something you worked hard for, but are filled with a sense of dread that you don’t deserve it
I know this one all too well. Just because I spent 250 hours on a detailed report at work that won my company a prize in excellence and earned me a promotion, it doesn’t mean I’m not a witch that used my magic powers unfairly to gain an advantage over my coworkers. It’s hard to constantly be wondering whether my success is warranted or “stolen from someone more deserving,” to borrow the words that Kenny in graphics specifically used. This recipe is really simple and should do the trick to calm those anxieties down.
You’ll need: six hardcover books and one formal tie
Step 1. Stack 1-2 of the hardcover books on top of each other and place on the seat of your office chair.
Step 2. Sit on the chair.
Step 3. Over the course of the next three business days, slowly introduce 1-2 more books a day to the stack, building the illusion that you are physically rising in stature.
Step 4. When your seated height has risen to roughly eight feet tall, use the company intranet to ask Kenny to come by your desk.
Step 5. Give Kenny the formal tie, and tell him it was a gift from a client that you, as a woman (if you are a man, you can substitute with “as a lesser man than you”), are unable to enjoy and let him have it as a token of your appreciation. If he refuses to accept it, use the tie as a blindfold to create a sensory deprivation cubicle and meditate in it. Within three hours, you should feel relaxed enough to resign from your position completely.