EVANSTON, IL– Medical students and staff at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine began the study of one Dandy Jurkins, suffering from a rare, severe allergy to all nuts, including his own. “It all started at puberty,” Jurkins explained “first my nuts dropped, then my immune system. The hives between my thighs never go away.” Researchers have stressed how dire this chronic disease is, “Every time he masturbates to completion, he goes into anaphylactic shock. Despite Jurkins’ constant pain and high risk of death, he still manages to masturbate twelve times a day. We’ve had to revive him multiple times.” Jurkins cited this not a lack of control, but that he finds the risk to be well worth the reward “If I die at least it’ll be doing what I love most. What more can a man ask for in this world?”
EDITOR’S ADDENDUM: We originally ran this story on June 12th. Dandy Jurkins was pronounced dead at 12:42 am this morning. Sources say he had his dick in one hand and his EpiPen in the other.