Let’s get this out of the way right now: YES, I know I can predict the future using psychohistory and NO, I did not see this breakup coming.
Oh, you’re real smug right now and all because there were one or two LITTLE things that I missed in this relationship. Let’s not forget, dear, I haven’t exactly been sitting on my hands.
“Ol’ Hari Seldon foresaw the collapse of the Star Bridge, but not the collapse of his relationship.” Uh, yeah, the attack of the Empire’s capital on Trantor involved like, 1 billion people, and my relationship with you involved 2 people (3 if you count your idiot sister). Deciphering complex math to predict patterns of society over time? Easy. But figuring out that you wanted to spend more time with me after you TOLD “it’s fine” if I go work in my lab? I am playing a game of chess with the very forces of civilization, I can’t play mind games with you, woman!
It’s not exactly a piece of cake to balance the fate of human civilization AND spend time with those intrusive maniacs you call your parents. I mean, when will your mom get the hint that I don’t WANT to talk with her about her house renovations (meaningless) and her other children making stupid life decisions (your idiot sister). And don’t even get me started on your father. Besides, my math predicts they won’t be around much longer anyway, so what’s even the point of hanging out with them?
So now you’re angry with me? Just because I told them to their face that they’re headed for an early death? It’s SIMPLE MATH, DEAR. Excessive red meat consumption + sedentary lifestyle + watching unending conservative cable news = an early death for at least your father.
Scream and yell all you want, it’s just a waste of time! Do you know what else was a waste of time? Binge-watching the Bachelor with you when I could have been, uh, I don’t know, SAVING THE UNIVERSE. For the record, I already predicted who will win, and – that’s right – Colton is going home with Sha-nay-nay.
Oh, I put the “psycho in psychohistory”?! At least I was doing something WORTHWHILE! Don’t look surprised. Did you really think starting a FOOD BLOG named “TRANTOR BANTER” would make you ANY money? My math says you’ll spend about 3 hours Googling “SEO, what is?,” check Twitter, do a TikTok ADHD “Put a Finger Down” Challenge, then wander into my laboratory and complain I never pay any attention to you! Sorry, but generic content + poor writing skills + a lack of what’s desired in our cultural zeitgeist = a failed blog. Do you think I WANT to tell you this? NO, but this is WHAT THE MATH PREDICTS.
You’re going to your mother’s place? FINE! Enjoy it while she’s around. I hope you like hearing your dad’s rants about how the Anacreons are ruining the Empire. By the way, he’s literally wrong about everything. I don’t need to be a genius (which I am) to figure that out, but his predictions are just repeating every word and sentiment that Trantor Carlson said. But, you know what? That’s fine. I’m going to my VAULT where I’ll be doing my favorite calculation so far: Me – you = peace and quiet for once in my goddamn life.
Oh, but on your way to your parents’, could you return these library books? I don’t want to incur another late fee.
