- Absorb your beverage through osmosis.
- Snort your drink like you’re in the bathroom of Studio 54.
- Instead of drinking your beverage, treat it as a symbol of first-world privilege and save it as a reminder of how lucky you are to have quick access to clean liquid.
- Use a lead pipe you found in the alley next to the assault victim as a straw.
- Cup the liquid with both hands and bring to your mouth like you just traversed the Sahara desert.
- Put the drink in your nephew’s Super Soaker and shoot yourself in the mouth.
- Have your humerus bone surgically removed and create a hole to drink from through the center of the bone with a rusty screwdriver and some elbow grease.
- Pour your drink into a pool and dive in headfirst, presumably digesting some of your beverage along with the pool water.
- Pray to L. Ron Hubbard and Xenu that the liquid will miraculously appear in your mouth; if this option intrigues you, I have some literature that will change your life.
- Just get a strawless lid, I guess.