Health and Dental: Of course you want this insurance. It’s why you come to work and put up with people you would never befriend if not for these benefits. Besides, it’s like a law or something, I think. Sign up.
Vision: Does the world look a little out of focus even when you’re sober? You may need glasses.
X-ray Vision: If you’re a superhero, and you lose your ability to look through walls, you’ll wish you had checked this box.
Short-term Disability: Sick for five days in a row? You’ll need five more to do the paperwork for this benefit.
Long-term Disability: If you’re sick for a really long time, this will help you keep your house (but maybe not your job).
Medium-term Disability: If you always get a medium drink when you order fast food, this is the disability insurance for you.
Accidental Death and Dismemberment: Ever wonder how much your hand is worth? Or an eyeball?
Purposeful Death and Dismemberment: Willing to cut off your penis for a quick fifty grand?
Critical Illness Coverage: Do you think “health” insurance covers you when you’re really, really sick? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…
Extended Hospital Stay: Unless you’re a fan of medical bankruptcy, you’d better select this because no one is paying for you to lounge around the hospital, waited on hand and foot.
Mental Health Insurance: Just kidding. You can’t buy this. Besides, it’s probably just anxiety, and there’s already a highly addictive pill for that.
Unemployment Insurance: Another thing that should be a government program but we can all see the writing on the wall. Just pay for it yourself and hope you never need it.
Conspiracy Theory Insurance: Worried you might get rundown – or shot – by some wack job who thinks all Democrats are Marxist/Leninist revolutionaries? Well, maybe you should be.
Democracy Insurance: Ha! Made you look. We can’t buy this. We’re going to have to fight for it.
Standard Life Insurance: Here’s something familiar… provides enough protection for your family to bury you in the event you die.
Optional Life Insurance: Want your family to keep the house and possibly one of your cars? You’ll need this.
Black Life Insurance: Not available in all parts of the country.
