1. No shoes, no shirt, no siree.
2. Children accompanied by adults are welcome.
3. Adults accompanied by children will be asked to leave.
4. People will be admitted only in multiples of three. Except for trios, who must be accompanied by a groupie. Unless you are Trio, in which case Da Da Da.
5. Teslas will not be admitted unless accompanied by a driver.
6. Drivers will not be admitted unless accompanied by a Toyota.
7. Teslas driving Toyotas will be towed at Elon Musk’s expense.
8. Elon Musk will be towed at the owner’s expense.
9. All Karens should immediately report to the manager before they can find something to bitch about.
10. People who have had direct contact with (including licking) an owl in the past 24 hours will not be admitted.
11. Individual owls will not be admitted. Parliaments of owls may be admitted, but only if at least half of the owls are incumbents.
12. Loiterers will be eroded, slowly, over a geological eon.
13. Hecklers will be dragged.
14. Philatelists will be licked and then stuck and then peeled off and then restuck onto a piece of card and placed into a clear plastic sleeve and put in a three-ring binder on a twelve-year-old’s bookshelf.
15. People seen reading this sign will be shot.
16. You must be this high to enter. Unless you are stoned, in which case you must THIS high to enter.
17. Stoners will be baked into a giant brownie and must eat their way out before being admitted.
18. You must be of age in order to drink children. If you are not of age, you will be carded, spun, and knitted into a sweater.
19. Fires are not permitted.
20. Any fires discovered on the premises will be asked to show identification. Unidentified fires will be sent to the nearest veterinary clinic for microchipping. Underage fires will be delivered to CPS at the USPS Media Mail rate.
20. Lapsed Catholics should check their baggage at the door.
21. Or you can just slip Bert a $10 bill. He’ll let you in.
