Listen up Motherfuckers! It’s about time you movie executives start giving the public what they want, and what the public wants is a sequel to Titanic. Last night, I did some coke and wrote a list of ways to make a great Titanic sequel.
• This movie needs a clever original title that says “sit down, shut the fuck up and enjoy our movie!” That’s why we are gonna call it Titanic 2: Reborn.
• You might be thinking “didn’t Leonardo DiCaprio’s character die at the end of the last movie?” Well, guess what motherfuckers? That was a dream sequence! He’s alive and he’s in the sequel! Except this time he has abs!
• The plot? The plot is gonna be the same as the first one except instead of them riding a ship that hits an iceberg, they’re gonna be riding an iceberg that hits a ship! Boom! Oscar nomination.
• During the movie there’s also gonna be a shit ton of explosions! Recent studies show audiences love explosions so every scene is gonna end with an explosion! Opening scene? Boom! Explosion! Sex scene? Bang! Another explosion! Scene where we pay respect to the troops? No explosion! That would just be disrespectful! God bless America.
• Who’s gonna pay for all these explosions? Our energy drink sponsorship ‘Raging Ox’! ‘Raging Ox’ is a new energy drink that is illegal in every country except The United States and Singapore! It’s scientifically proven to make you more aggressive and cool!
• What’s my favorite part of television? The advertisements! Because that’s how I make a shit ton of money! That’s why in this movie we are gonna have an ad break every ten minutes! Fuck yeah!
• Who’s gonna cameo? More like who’s not gonna cameo! Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is gonna play the loveable rogue action hero! Boom! Is there any franchise he can’t force himself into? Who’s the captain of the ship? Stephen fucking Hawking! “Isn’t he dead” you might ask? Well, with our sponsor ‘Raging Ox’ anything is possible!
• Who’s the target audience for this work of art? Everybody. There’s something for everybody! Kids? There’s a cartoon bear on the boat! Your pervert Uncle? There are multiple sex scenes involving the cartoon bear!
• How long will the credits be at the end? Fuck credits! The only thanks the crew is getting is that they’re allowed to watch me do donuts in the parking lot every night after filming!
• How are we gonna advertise this? We’re gonna hold a promotional event where we blow the remains of the Titanic right out of the water using dangerously powerful explosives! Hell yeah! Fuck you, Nemo!
• What’s the moral of the movie? If you don’t drink ‘Raging Ox’ than you are a fucking Nerd!
That’s all I have bitches. If you invest in this movie we’re gonna double our money! Now, who would like to try our promotional Titanic 2: Reborn flavored ‘Raging Ox’?
