Last week, our advice robot received this genuine plea for help.
Dear Advice Robot,
Last week my boss sent us a note requesting that we return to the office. I have been telecommuting and enjoying the tranquility of my home for close to three years due to the pandemic. I feel comfortable in my abode and the fact that I can pass wind whenever I feel like it. I tried to restrict myself to my morning ritual or during the half-hour evening commute, but my system will not cooperate. Any pearls of wisdom?
Thanks,
Windy Bottoms
Dear Windy Bottoms,
Blame the British! Before colonization, it was de rigueur to “parfum” the air after a good meal so as to not offend your host. The Nabobs, the Maharajas, the Pashas, and Emirs all required it of their guests. However, after the passing of Albert, the Queens consort (he was German, large, and sounded like an oompah band), Victoria banned the practice as it reminded her too much of him.
A couple of pointers. You can purchase the Dynasty Adult Diapers ($19.95 for a six-pack) that come with the S&S system. S for Sound, as the underwear is equipped with the same noise-dampening padding as a recording studio, and S for Smell, as they are lined with baking soda to absorb the offending odors.
There is also an App for it. Winds of Change! can be downloaded. At the press of the Icon, the crescendo of Beethoven’s Symphony Number 5 or Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture with the canons blasting away will fill the room and drown out any offending noises. If all else fails, and you are caught with your hand in the proverbial “cookie jar”, remember… to smile.
Best,
Advice Robot
