Hi there! Thanks for joining us today. My name’s Craig Claus (no relation) and I’ll be your guide today.
If you’re here, it’s because you’ve been cast as a character in an upcoming Hallmark movie.
Whoa, easy there, Rudolph. Put down the eggnog. You can’t be in a Hallmark movie without a Hallmark job. How else do you expect to pay for all those cookies you’ll be decorating while dramatically reflecting on your life choices? It’s okay. No need to get your stockings in a bunch. We’ve got you covered.
Welcome to the Hallmark Movie Job Fair, where clichés turn into careers.
Take a look around. As you can see: we’re not like other job fairs. We don’t have “Fortune 500 companies” or “exciting opportunities bursting with upward mobility.” We don’t overwhelm you with small details like job descriptions or salaries or company names. We don’t make you sit through boring HR presentations, because none of the companies in our movies have HR departments.
We know what you’re thinking: “Is this the rapture? Because we can’t wait.” Well, it gets even better.
At the Hallmark Movie Job Fair, we believe in freedom of choice when it comes to jobs. You’ll have the chance to explore all four of our amazing career booths: lawyer, journalist, real estate agent, and baker.
Sorry, those are the only jobs that exist. Want to be an astronaut? Go be in a Christopher Nolan movie.
Now, before moving forward, we want to address a few important FAQs:
How many hours will I work per week?
Good question. Seemingly anywhere between five minutes and 100 hours.
Can I work remotely?
Absolutely not. Every job is located in a small, rural town that loves Christmas and hates diversity. It’s critical that you uproot your life and relocate here.
Will I have to share a cubicle with someone?
Yes. You will likely start out hating them before entering a fiery, all-consuming, heteronormative relationship. You will then marry them within two weeks.
What if I don’t like the job I pick?
No worries! You can always choose to give up your intense, high-paying job in lieu of following your more artistic, heart-driven dream – should your plot allow it.
Will there be hot chocolate?
There will be more fucking hot chocolate than you can possibly imagine.
We can’t promise that you’ll love your job, but we can promise that you’ll fall in love with someone wearing a plaid shirt and a jacket that is nowhere near weather-appropriate for how cold it is outside. We’d like to see Indeed do that.
So, that’s about it. We can’t wait to check out your movie entitled Countdown to Christmas or Romance on the Runway or something like that.
Good luck and happy job hunting!
P.S. No Jews allowed
