Atlantic City – In a move unprecedented in organized religion, the World Council of Religion, a theologically diverse panel designed to create an open dialog between faiths, has voted to elevate online shopping corporation Amazon (AMZN) to the level of ‘Deity’, a title usually reserved for gods, saviors, and other omnipotent beings. Representatives from the major religions, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, and Catholicism – also known as “The Five Families” – met at The Borgata Hotel and Casino to discuss the possibility of promoting the online mega-merchant. This marks the first time a religion was born from a corporation and not the other way around. The council’s decision comes in the wake of a particularly frenzied holiday shopping season.
“There’s a certain amount of provision we look for in our deities. Amazon has certainly filled the needs of a lot of people”, offered Cardinal Cyrus Keegan, a member of the Catholic delegation. “We all need help sometimes, and we don’t always know where to turn. Amazon is there 24/7. If someone needs it, Amazon has it. From A to Z. They’ve answered a helluva lot of prayers”, he said with a smile.
What started as an online store for books and CDs has become a commercial force to be reckoned with. With delivery vehicles spread no more than one hundred feet apart, an order can be at your door in an instant. It’s been said that every twenty-four seconds an Amazon delivery truck blocks somebody’s driveway. Alex Parchuk, Amazon’s Chief Refunds Coordinator, gave his take upon hearing the news:
“When you need a can of sandalwood-scented mustache wax do you think Krishna is gonna help? When you want a delicious Black Forest ham imported from Stuttgart delivered right to your front door, call Allah and see what he says. Sign in at Jehovah dot com the next time you need earbuds and see what you find. Don’t get me wrong. All those deities do a fine job. They bring things to life. But Amazon brings things to you.”
This type of glorification doesn’t come up very often. The last time that the council considered a petition for glorification was on behalf of Domino’s Pizza in 1983. The pizza delivery specialists couldn’t secure the majority vote needed, however, and thus remain a cult. Amazon’s petition was much stronger since they deliver pizza as well as flat-screen TVs and ethnic haircare products.
“In the near future, we will be launching a fleet of mobile midwives to deliver babies in the home”, Parchuk said.
The Amazon Prime service, which includes free delivery on all orders as well as a video streaming service, will soon provide a new perk. Prime members will earn Karma Points with every purchase. The points can be redeemed for redemption.
