Before we get started, I’d like to thank Pete for nineteen incredible seasons here. I have no doubt he’ll do great things in Indiana, but he’ll always be a part of this family. Absolutely irreplaceable, but that’s the task ahead of us. Pete, your mother and I wish you all the best in college, son.
With that said, I’ll open it up.
You seemed pretty confident coming into the week. So, what went wrong today?
I’m a superstitious sports fan, Jason. Every win, every loss comes entirely down to me and my ability to control conditions. Today, I couldn’t do that. And I take full responsibility. That’s on me.
Can you tell us where you felt that control slipping away?
You were there, Amanda. You saw it. We weren’t where we needed to be. You can’t miss a field goal because your brother’s too lazy to get his own beer. Nobody should, in a third-and-long situation, make the call to order a pizza. These are distractions and they stopped us from finding our rhythm. Not to mention sack after sack of trash to take out.
There was also a moment shortly before halftime when your five-year-old granddaughter yelled, “Pappy, Pappy, we’re winning!” Do you think she shares some responsibility for the loss?
That individual was ejected and sent to bed without dinner. That’s something we’ll deal with in the coming week. All I’ll say about it, Grant, is that we take jinxes very seriously.
You’re coming off your second consecutive loss today. How do you approach next week?
We need to get back to the things that win games. That means unwashed socks, the volume set to a prime number, and an assortment of snacks and dipping sauces exclusively in the team colors.
Above all, we need to continue our search for Pete’s replacement. I had hoped we might compensate at the son-in-law position, but it turns out he’s not really into sports. We’ll keep looking. And when we find the right man, we can reassess our roster.
What about you? Is it true this will be your last season as host?
Excuse me?
Well, there are rumors that your daughter wants to take over after the baby’s born. They’ve just re-done their kitchen, there’s a bigger TV, and she says it’s a more, erm, family-friendly space.
When you’ve been a superstitious sports fan as long as I have, Molly, you’re going to meet plenty of people who doubt what you’re doing. But let me ask you a question. Millions of homes watch the game every week. So, why is it only what happens here that has any effect on the outcome?
Do you feel the damp and stifling heat? I could fix the air conditioning, but I’d risk breaking an eight-game win streak against a key division rival. And you might think that smell is the salsa stain on the ceiling which, at some angles, resembles a certain Hall of Fame running back. But it’s really the smell of a top-ranked rushing offense. You see, what we have here is a facility optimized for influencing everything, where I control – oh, you’ll have to excuse my wife, she’s – yeah, okay you can clear it. No, not that. Honey, not the ashtray. I don’t care, we don’t empty it until – okay, I’m sorry. But please, please can you just – because empty ashtrays are for winners, honey. They’re for winners.
What was I saying?
That you’re still the one in charge here.
Exactly, Molly. Without me, this family would fall apart.
You mean this sports team?
I said that.
Your lucky jersey came off pretty early in that first quarter. Will it be ready for next week?
I can’t make a call right now, Clark, but we’ll assess that stain first thing in the morning. We’ve got an excellent team of dry cleaners, so they’ll take a look and make sure the jersey gets the treatment it needs.
That’s everything? Okay, thanks everyone.
