Being of sound mind, advancing years, and diminishing energy, I do hereby bequeath herein the entirety of my original personality to my heirs.
After perfecting it in my glorious youth, and having it serve me well for many fruitful years in the attraction of my three sequential late husbands, I have found myself letting said personality lie fallow of late in a state of neglect. In truth, in my waning years, it has gotten to be extremely high maintenance and I can no longer energetically keep up with its many demands at this time.
Hence, rather than allow it to be of no purpose and eventually pass on with its originator, it will be the largest, most valuable gift of my current estate, most of which material property will go to my Foundation for the Preservation of Memories of Me, which exhibits every photo taken of me in my prime and framed articles about my many achievements in a suite of offices, location TBA.
So enormous has been my personality’s impact in my lifetime, I will rest assured it will service and comfort my beloved family and be passed on to generations to come with my warmest blessing. I herein entrust it in several designated parcels to the family members who have been closest to me in recent years:
A. First, I pass on the enormous variety of my facial expression to my beloved niece, deadpan Diane Iona, age seventeen. She is currently dull as dishwater from a life spent online or with friends with faces always in their phones. In addition, I cede her some specific personal special effects.
1. Please make use of my signature scintillating smile as soon as possible so you will be a more attractive package on upcoming college interviews.
2. The raising of one eyebrow, original to me, will give you an intelligent, sophisticated demeanor both virtually and in person.
3. The lifting of the left lip lobe, a specific muscular effort that will take some preliminary practice in mirrors to master, can empower your expression in the formation of a snarl or sneer, which seems beyond your current facial range.
4. It and my quirky rolling of the eyes in exasperation will make you seem far more interesting than you otherwise may be. Both will come in handy – should, I pray, you eventually marry – in putting your husband in his place whenever necessary, take my word.
B. To my grandson Samson I consign the gestures which have animated my many long speeches to the family at holidays. You may have noticed I use them most successfully when others are speaking.
1. The simultaneous snapping of fingers, the clapping, the perky lifting of “okay” signs, and “thumbs up” movements have proven popular. And in communicating a negative response:
2. The gesture of throat slitting and/or the pantomimed shooting myself in the temple, in addition to the crossing of my eyes and spinning of a finger toward my brain to connote “going crazy” will prove an empowering upgrade to the hostile raising of the middle finger, or the pinky and thumb in a “devil” sign you so frequently deploy in family photos. May my gestures prosper you greatly.
C. My characteristic “wiggle walk” no longer serves my transportation needs from place to place. I hereby consign it to my gay grandson Charlie for his own purposes, to use in whatever contexts he prefers and please keep them to yourself. It guarantees unilateral attention to your exit in case your entrance has not made a sufficient impression at gatherings to warrant you staying very long. This gift is offered with the firm stipulation that you will no longer attempt the “twerk,” as captured in recent TikToks. It reflects poorly on you and our family. At our upcoming lunch, I will be happy to demonstrate this walk with the occasional skip step, which connotes the joy in expression that I feel you lack. I relinquish it unilaterally as of that day as it will be impossible to put in action after my hip replacements in the following weeks.
D. And to my dearest daughter Trudy, so downtrodden since her recent divorce, I grant the memorable sparkle of the eye which I have so well perfected in social circles. The sparkle, often resolving in a twinkling wink, is not to be mistaken for a twitch or tic. Hence, it is required that it generate from within. Use it judiciously when circumstances merit, but its manufactured use in all public postings could generate eye-sparkling circumstances for you to one day authentically enjoy.
May these bequeathals benefit my beloved beneficiaries in perpetuity and bring me to mind and heart often in years to come.
