There’s a reason teachers frame expectations in the positive sense, like “Show respect” or “Be kind.” The list of what not to do would be endless. But those terms are too vague. “Make good decisions”? For pre-teens with underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes, every demented thing they do seems like a good decision at the time. Based on observed behaviors, a more specific middle school “no” list seems to fall into five main categories, with some obvious overlap.*
Accept That You Are Not the Exception
No dance-offs during the test
No answering your phone in class, even if it’s your mom, dad, or probation officer
No saying, “My finger slipped.”
No addressing your teacher’s every request with, “Bro, are you serious right now?”
No snoring, drooling, or sleepwalking during your daily nap
No sneaking a vape in class
No practicing your beauty shop techniques
No practicing your graffiti art on the display boards
No adding profanity to the class word wall
No selling baggies of Kool Aid
Maintain Personal Space
No twisting nipples
No stabbing other students with push pins
No shooting other kids with staples
No sniffing or grabbing your friends’ butts
No hitting your friends in the nuts
No smelling people’s hair
No biting
No licking your friends
No sticking pencils up anyone’s nose
No farting on your friends
No scooping each other’s breasts and yelling “Bean dip!”
Use Objects for Their Intended Purpose
No sticking all the glue sticks to the ceiling
No throwing mochi on the ceiling
No putting sticky eyeballs on the ceiling
No drawing penises on your desk, homework, or district-issued chromebook
No poking holes in single-use water bottles and using them as sprinklers
No putting glue on your hands, letting it dry, and peeling it off to leave on the floor
No hand-sanitizer baptisms
Embrace Shame
No taking your pants off in class
No asking your teacher to zip up your pants because your fake nails are too long
No creepily staring at people
No hocking loogies
No smearing boogers on the desks
No flashing
No humping
No moaning
No using the sink as a trough
No peeing anywhere but the urinal
No sticking your hand down your pants
Behave Like A Person Without Brain Damage
No using poop as fingerpaint
No using your glue stick as chapstick
No gyrating like an octopus
No barking
No meowing
No dolphin noises
No wookie, bat, or other animal sounds
No licking the chromebook screen
No licking the desk
No licking your chair
No eating tissues
No eating folders
No eating books from the classroom library
No drinking glue
No painting your face with frosting, Sharpies, or blood
*This is not an exhaustive list. Examples are for illustrative purposes only and are not meant to inspire more creatively delinquent behavior.
