Downsizing: we’re firing you because we don’t have enough spare cash to pay the CEO’s year-end bonus.
Restructuring: we can’t legally fire you, so we’re going to undertake a time-consuming and nonsensical restructuring of the entire department that will allow us to a) phase out your role and get rid of you without being sued, and b) pay the CEO’s year-end bonus.
There’s Lots of Moving Parts: we have no idea what is going on or when it needs to be done, so please stop asking questions.
Think Outside the Box: we still have no idea what is going on but want to use the company credit card to eat lunch at that fancy restaurant down the street, so we’d like you to come up with the solution and tell us the answer when we get back. There’s a good dog.
Just Touching Base: we’re hanging around your desk for the nineteenth time today because we have control issues and consequently don’t trust you to complete that menial task without lighting up a crack pipe and stealing the office furniture.
It’s On My Radar: we forgot about it altogether to be honest, but we’re stuck on a really tricky Wordle, so stop bothering us and get out of the boardroom.
It’s Not Rocket Science: we think you’re a fucking idiot.
Hot-Desking: we don’t value you enough to give you your own desk, so instead we’re going to make you play musical chairs every time you come into the office while simultaneously claiming it’s empowering you to produce you best work.
No Brainer: see It’s Not Rocket Science.
Moving the Goalposts: we’ve changed our minds again, so all that work we asked you to do yesterday evening when you were supposed to be at your daughter’s Christmas recital can go in the bin.
Performance Review: we’re going to make you sit through a two-hour meeting where we tell you how great you’ve been doing before confirming that you won’t be getting a pay rise this year.
KPIs (Key Performance Indicators): we have no idea what you do, so we’ve concocted an unintelligible bunch of meaningless spreadsheets that we will use in your Performance Review to justify why you definitely won’t be getting a pay rise this year.
Team-Building Exercise: we’ve heard whispers of discontent about Hot-Desking amongst the plebs, so we’re getting you all together in a meeting room to root out the troublemakers for immediate Restructuring.
It’s a Win/Win Situation: it’s a win for us; we’ve not considered for a second how it will impact you or your wellbeing.
Can We Have a Quick Word?: see Downsizing.
