Oh man, it’s been a tough winter, hasn’t it, big guy? Endless weeks of gray skies, snow showers, and cold slush that gets up over those fancy lace-less boots of yours, but that’s all about to end, my friend. That’s right, home team, I’m gonna hook you up early this year. I’m gonna bring you a string of 45-degree days like you aren’t gonna believe. We’re talking a Monday-to-Thursday-melt-all-that-shit warm spell that’ll have you busting out the running shoes, making plans for the weekend, and having a glimmer of hope for the future.
Yeah, buddy! It’s about to get SSRI levels of new-day feelings all up in here!
How long has it been since you took Seamus to the dog park? A while, huh? And you know he’s just been itching to get more energy out than those lame half-ass walks around the block. What about a nice game of pick-up basketball with the boys? Have any of them even called you all winter? It’s not your fault, though; it’s this weather, this bleak forever winter that keeps everyone away. So go ahead, make plans for the weekend. Tell Brian you’d love to help him work on that IROC he’s been fixing up in his garage for the last three years. Call your ex and tell her you’ve become a guy who hikes and ask if she’d like to go on a hike. Make plans to go see your folks over in Genoa. Your dad’s been sick, hasn’t he? Yeah, it’s time for a new day, friend-o. I’m Spring and I’m here, baby!
Fuck yeah, bro! Nothing’s stopping you now. You can fix all your relationships now that that asshole Winter is moving on and you can really focus on what makes you happ… Ha! I can’t keep it together! You should see your dumb face! It’s me, False Spring, you stupid bitch!
Dude, it’s like March 12th. What in your experience on this earth for the last 35 years has led you to believe anything gets better on March 12th? I can’t believe I got you to fall for this shit again. You know what, just because you’re such an idiot, I’m gonna text Winter that another snowstorm is what you need. The kind that cancels school when you’ve got a big meeting and the kid’s with you. The kind that makes you fight with your ex-wife because she got the snowblower in the divorce. I’m gonna do it because I can, and just so you remember for next year.
Oh, what are gonna do, cry now? You’re the one who lives in Northern Illinois. No one told you you had to stay. You could’ve left with all your friends who went to college in real states, but no, you had to be all insecure about your prospects and stick with what you knew. Don’t look at me like that, I’m False Spring – I don’t give a fuck. Keep staring at me like that and I’ll see your ass on April 12th, too.
Don’t test me. You don’t want this smoke.
