ATLANTA, Ga. — Racing into the production bay with a panicked look on his face, sweaty, red-cheeked Food Network exec Scott Sheer screamed at the top of his lungs, “We need more cooking shows now, motherfuckers! The American public cannot get enough of them, and we’re gonna give those binge-watching media whores exactly what they want! Do you fucking people hear me?!”
Sources say the spontaneous outburst came as quite a shock to the limited crew who was at the bay dock, unloading gear from the previous day’s shoot. Sheer, salivating from the mouth, quickly ran up to each crew member handing them a stack of documents. “Look at these goddamn ratings! Look at them!” he reiterated, while shoving the boom mic guy out of the way and making a beeline for the producers, holding the front page inches from their faces.
“Fuckin’, look… Good Eats, Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives, Iron Chef, Girl Meets Farm… all number one, goddammit! Number-fucking-one! Did you hear me?” repeated Scott, throwing the stack of papers into the air. “Number one, I tell you!”
Sheer, almost tripping over a tripod as he ran back to the truck with a camera in his hand, began throwing film equipment back into the production van. “Now get back out there and film some more food shows, you fucking geniuses!”
As Sheer grabbed the keys from one of the production assistants and ran around the other side of the van to begin warming it up, he didn’t realize he had dropped the picture of Guy Fieri he had been jerking off to earlier that day.