Webster’s dictionary describes a mistake as “an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.” Now, I’m not saying I didn’t make a mistake, I know I did. I am saying it seems like everyone still mad at me has forgotten about a couple of bigger mistakes that occurred 22 years ago. I believe, if we all keep some perspective, we may see that there is a more productive outlet for our collective anger.
For example, let’s think about all the time we’ve spent being mad at my refusal to use chips at the queso bowl. Couldn’t that time have been used to plant a tree, read to a child- an orphan even, or thank a first responder, the brave men, and women who, when 9/11 struck, were the first to respond? Are you not patriots of this great nation that was brought to its knees? You must not be, since you all painted some pretty rude things on my driveway, but I didn’t see a single American flag.
Or maybe we revisit the rage felt after my famous “one slice of cake has rat poison” prank went as planned. I am not forgiven, but those who carried out the greatest attack on American soil since Pearl Harbor are? I guess so since you haven’t brought up 9/11 a single time this week but you’ve mentioned my antics at multiple PTA events.
Strangers who didn’t know me before the party, are you seriously telling me that if you had a time machine you could only use once you would go back to the birthday party? You’d stop me from playing Wolverine in the bouncy castle instead of going back to the millennium to warn George W. Bush Jr. about what ill tidings are heading his way? You must be saying that because in the last week, you’ve posted about the birthday party three separate times on Nextdoor and you’ve posted about 9/11 a whopping zero times.
The word “hero” was thrown around a lot at the party, but I’d like you to ask yourself whose a real hero is—the crying 17-year-old that tazed me in the neck, or Rudy Giuliani, America’s mayor. I guess in your eyes some crimes deserve a slap on the wrist and some deserve an elite Seal team carrying out a hit, and you’ve decided my improv magic act deserves the latter while Osama Bin Laden’s tactical planning of 9/11 the former? I guess I’m just happy the American Military doesn’t share your view.
Listen, I know you all know my name. I’ve seen it in numerous worried Facebook posts, but I hope we can all move on past these events and I can learn a single one of yours. I especially hope we can find this high ground by Saturday, as I would love to come to “Ricky’s turning 12 bash.” That’s right, I KNOW about it.