1. Thanks so much for having us over for dinner! I’m sorry about the red wine spill, the consequent Coca-Cola stain, and then the small house fire. Bet you wish you splurged for the Ruggable now! Haha… my bad.
2. What a trip. We’re exhausted, but we had a lot of fun! I’m not sure if you picked up on the fact that Jessie was acting a little weird at the guided tour thing, but it’s only because we didn’t expect there to be costumes and she has an extreme fear of wizards. It actually really sucks – the wizard phobia kind of limits what we can watch. Anyway, her behavior had nothing to do with you guys.
3. Hey, have you been discharged yet? Talk about a taco night gone awry. I totally forgot about the cilantro allergy. That’s on me, man.
4. It was nice catching up! I’m worried I might have sounded sarcastic when I said “good for you” after you told me about your promotion. Just because I’m currently unemployed, going through a divorce, and my grandma is in hospice does not mean I don’t have space in my heart to feel joy for you. Seriously, congrats!
5. Again, I’m sorry my toilet was being so strange yesterday. No clue why it had such a hard time flushing after you went. Not your fault at all. I’m actually calling a plumber as I’m texting you this right now.
6. I’m so happy you were able to stop by! I just want to make something clear: I was not wearing a fleece-lined sherpa blanket as pants when you showed up. It’s actually part of a new loungewear set by Snuggie. Very in right now. What am I even saying? You’ve probably seen it all over Instagram.
7. Good morning. I don’t know if it hit you guys yet, but it turns out the chicken in my famous cheesy chicken broccoli and rice casserole might have been a little raw in the middle? Faulty meat thermometer. Ordered a new one. Won’t happen again.
8. Thanks for coming over for game night! We had a great time, but I can’t apologize enough about my cat. I didn’t realize she would shit in your shoes if you put them right next to her special scratcher. Oops! (Let me know if you would be able to bring that back sometime this week, though. I need a sample for an upcoming vet appointment and that was a pretty sizable doo-doo in your Docs, as I’m sure you noticed.)
9. Heeeeey. So if you could just forget that thing I said about Barney the Dinosaur last night, that would be preferable. Spiced rum does such messed-up things to me.
10. Today’s a holiday obviously, but I’m calling animal control first thing tomorrow. Hopefully the squirrel issue won’t be as intense next time… if you even want there to be a next time. *Sigh.*
11. I am so, so, so, sorry. I had no idea crêpes could even taste that bad. I’m hanging up my apron, for good this time.