Charles Darwin admits his Survival of the Fittest Theory was a desperate attempt to fit in with the bros at his gym.
Marie Antoinette blamed her excessive spending and diluting of the treasury on her mother for pressuring her for grandchildren.
Edgar Allan Poe broke up with Lenore because her stew tasted like shit.
Vincent Van Gogh cut of his left ear because Paul Gauguin would not shut the fuck up.
Pablo Picasso admits he inadvertently founded the Cubist Movement when he stared so inensely at his sexy naked models he forgot to check the canvas to see where he was painting.
Joan of Arc admits she joined the French military after receiving a bad haircut.
DB Cooper was planning on hijacking Southwest Airlines but he had a peanut allergy and had to fly Northwest Orient last minute.
Cleopatra became a successful cosmetics entrepreneur in the afterlife and her heirs considered suing Max Factor for mascara royalties.
Mary Todd Lincoln is still pissed she never saw the ending of “Our American Cousin.”
Charles Dickens penned the line, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” after
contracting an STD from a highly skilled hooker during one of his reading tours.
Bugsy Siegel reveals Murder Inc emerged from a failed restaurant business selling mozerella knishes with Louis Capone
Marco Polo actually brought “made in china” tags to Europe, not pasta.
Al Capone’s son admits to losing his father’s vast fortune investing in Laser Disc and Crystal Pepsi
William Shakespeare admits to having a deep Oedipus complex and writing “Shall I Compare thee to a Summer’s Day” about his mother
H.H. Holmes says Murder Castle was actually a very realistic Haunted House and its not his fault patrons did not read the fine print
William Faulkner claims one of his publisher’s interns changed the name of his book “The Death of Addie Bundren” to “As I Lay Dying” right before it went to press because he said it was boring as shit and made the intern want to shoot himself.
Howard Hughes says he did not have OCD and he only counted his peas so he would not lose them.
Brian Epstein regrets passing on a licensing deal with “Gary and the Pacemakers” for a line of defibrillators and despite all his success marketing the Beatles, this decision haunts him.
Dennis Wilson really hates the fucking beach now.
Jim Morrison faked his death because Ray Manzerek was hounding him to record a cover of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata to show off his piano skills and Bobby Krieger was already working on the lyrics
Benjamin Franklin says he only invented a ton of stuff because he had a crush on Thomas Jefferson’s wife and enjoyed looking at her ample bosom and wanted to impress her
Marilyn Monroe claims she only slept with President Kennedy for his Irish Mob connections because she loved whiskey and thought he could get her the hookup
George Washington says he chopped down the cherry tree because there was a squirrel living in it and he hated fucking squirrels more than the British