Announcer 1: Hey there Sports fans, welcome back to another episode of Recap Rampage. I’m Clyde Swashbuckle
Announcer 2: and I’m Dan Legran
Swashbuckle: on America’s favorite sports channel: ESPN.
Manly jingle plays
Legran: This was a beautiful weekend for college football fans, as the Billingsley Gophers took on the Wisconsin State Waterdogs in the Tiny 10 Conference finals. It was the first time that these rival programs faced off since the 2002 championship when a flash mob of lubed-up streakers stormed the field and started humping the goalposts. With bragging rights and silicon-based fun on the line, each team was revved up as they took the field at Imodium Anti-Diarrheal Arena.
Swashbuckle: That’s right Dan, you could see the passion in the eyes of these kids. They wanted to win, and they wanted it bad. I had the chance to speak with Gophers QB Clooney Mortimer turf-side before the game, let’s see what he had to say.
Cut to pre-game interview
Mortimer: I’ll eat a kid. I don’t care. I’ll put the ball down, take my helmet off, and I’ll eat someone whole. I think it’d probably taste good.
Swashbuckle: This game clearly means a lot to you. As an upperclassman, how does it feel to bring your team to the conference championship after fighting for the last three years?
Mortimer: These are my boys. I eat for these guys, I sleep for these guys, I fuck for these guys. This is my family and we couldn’t have done it without any single one of them. Even our waterboy Skinny Felix played a role in getting us here.
Swashbuckle: Wow. It’s clear you have a lot of pride in this team. Now the question on everybody’s mind lately: will you be declaring for the NFL draft this January or will you be staying around––
Mortimer: Fuck these kids.
Swashbuckle: Sorry what did you––
Mortimer: I said Fuck. These. Kids. Yes, I’m declaring for the draft. I’m better than every single one of these nose-pickers. What, do you want me to spend the entire next year waiting to get injured while the NCAA cashes in on my free labor?
Swashbuckle: No, not at all son. I just figured because you had such a passion for this team…I figured…
Mortimer: Yea well stop figuring, fuck you, and fuck these cameras. I got a game to win. Hey, Skinny Felix where’s my KY Jell—
Cut back to Recap Rampage broadcast
Swashbuckle: You can see the passion, Dan, there’s really something special about that kid.
Legran: You’re right Clyde, Mortimer certainly has a fire to him.
Swashbuckle: He’s something else, I’ll tell ya. Anyway, the game started the way many of us expected, with a strong defense battle. Within the first ten minutes, Billinglsey Linebacker George “The Coal-Powered Steam Engine” McAfee had three sacks and the Waterdogs’ Quade Kinkade had a beautiful interception which he returned for a 40-yard touchdown. At the end of the first half, the Waterdogs led the Gophers 14-6. Let’s see what Mortimer had to say at the half.
Cut to Clooney Mortimer halftime interview
Mortimer: MOTHER FUUUUUUUUUU––
Cut back to broadcast
Swashbuckle: Wow.
LeGran: Wow.
Swashbuckle: Some real passion from that kid.
LeGran: You said it Clyde.
Swashbuckle: At any rate, the Waterdogs managed to maintain their lead for the duration of the game, pulling away from the Gophers thanks to some productive slant routes from freshman “Laces” Moore and a 41-yard field goal from Greg Shaw. At the end of regulation, the Wisconsin State Waterdogs defeated the Billingsley Gophers with a score of 31 to 17.
LeGran: Thanks, Clyde. It should be interesting to see how these schools develop in the Tiny 10, especially with five-star prospects like New Hampshire Williamson and Dennis “Stinky Rodgers” Rodgers expected to join these programs in the Fall. Now, switching over to tennis, this weekend saw quite a bit of fanfare with the Antarctic Open starting up on Sunday. The Russian Dimitri Tevsky took on Irishman Pierce O’Connell in Men’s Nude Singles in what many were calling the most traumatizing tennis match in––
A loud crash offstage
Producer: You can’t go over there! Hey you can’t go over there!
More crashes
Producer: HEY! WAIT––
Clooney Mortimer stumbles into the frame, half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels in hand
Mortimer: (slurring his words) Heyy, I’m gonna say this ONCE and then never againn. We won that game. That game yooguys were talkinabout? We won it. The other team ch-cheated. We won. Not them. US.
LeGran: …
Swashbuckle: …
Mortimer: Anyway, thas all I wanted t’say. I giveall my glory t’God. The Lizard God Vizayak that is. He’s gunna punish you f’your sins and he’ll gimme all the lube I want and––
Mortimer stumbles a little and falls on his face, out of frame
LeGran: Well, uhhhh, right. Umm back to tennis––
Swashbuckle: I’m sorry to interrupt you Dan, but I just got a piece of breaking news. It appears Clooney Mortimer has been suspended from the NCAA for a “Violation of Personal Conduct” and “Peeing his Pants on Live TV.” This will, unfortunately, make him ineligible for the Draft this winter.
LeGran: Well, that’s certainly unfortunate Clyde. He had a fire, that one.
Swashbuckle: Some real passion from that kid. No doubt about it.
