RURAL, AMERICA – In what started as an average quarterly earnings meeting on Tuesday, took a right turn into a tense and tight stomached atmosphere as Belk CEO, John Loo ranted for the last 46 minutes of the call, pleading with stores in the malls throughout America to open their bathrooms to the public. Loo was elected to this position only last month following the resignation of their former CEO, which was written in lipstick on the ladies’ room’s bathroom mirror.
“We can’t be the only ones. I’m looking at you Aeropostale,” Loo pleaded at one point during the now-viral rant. The plea, of course, was alluding to the fact that malls throughout America rely on large department chain stores, such as Belk, to provide the only bathroom in the entire building. 27 minutes into the rant, the CEO would begin his visual demonstration: a multi-graph illustration directly comparing the incline of patrons using Belk bathrooms to the plunging of patrons purchasing Belk clothes. “They’re embarrassed! And they should be! You should see what some of these animals do in our restrooms! When they’re done in there, they tuck their tail between their legs and run out of our store without so much as peeking at the scarves!”
The video of this rant immediately went viral with 30-second clips clogging Tik Tok. The viral “Belk Bathroom Challenge” sees teens go to their local mall and take turns asking Belk workers where their restroom is. The challenge is won by the teen who makes a minimum wage worker quit their job the fastest. Youtube sensation, Mr. Beast got in on the fun, dropping a video within 1 hour of the earnings call ending. The video titled, “A MILLION DOLLARS OR HUMAN FECES?” sees Jimmy coerce shoppers into the stall, where they open the toilets to either find a life-changing amount of money or an average amount of poo.
We reached out to the CEOs of Kohls and Burlington Coat Factory, but both declined to comment due to the vile nature of the reaction from the public. One small store operator, the likes of which Loo is asking to cooperate, agreed to speak on the subject, but only with full anonymity: “The dirty, stinky truth is… I could open my bathroom up to the public. Easily. But strategically, it makes no sense. The Food Court and the Belk are on opposite sides of the mall. Your mom gets done lovemaking with a slice of Sbarro, and then duty calls. On her way to the john, she passes my store and a Japanese Cherry Blossom Candle catches her eye through the window. Now hold on, I’m afraid I’ve said too much.”
Another vendor, hanging out in the hallway of the local mall we visited, was eager to speak on the subject. When asked whether they agree with John Loo’s stance, the vendor said, “I have turquoise ring, for you, $200.”
No matter who you talk to on the subject, the sentiment seems to be that Belk has really stepped in it. Sales are in the toilet and foot traffic in stores, at the moment, is almost entirely to go number 2. Within the company, there are reportedly calls for the CEO to resign. When asked to respond to these rumors, Loo stated, “I don’t give a shit anymore.” It is unclear if the pun was intended.
