Preparing for a Zoom interview doesn’t need to be stressful. If you’re about to set up camp in front of the only wall in your house that isn’t covered in Bon Jovi posters and try to persuade some middle manager that you’d love to be the new Payroll and HR Assistant at Maxwell Coleman Food Equipment, follow these easy tips to stay cool as a cucumber:
- Test your technology: To ensure your wi-fi connection is stable, perform a simple Google search. This is a good time to check out some of your favorite pornography. If there’s anything else you can think of to search for on the internet, be my guest, weirdo.
- Pick a good location: Any dark corner is good. Then you don’t have to spend all day agonizing over what to wear. Keep your favorite show on in the background. Something like Cheers, or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Shows set in bars are good. That way, if there’s a lull in the interview, you can laugh together at your favorite jokes while everyone enjoys a nice, familiar barfly atmosphere.
- Have your materials ready: You’re going to be stuck in one place for at least fifteen, twenty minutes, so keep what you need handy. You want everything ready to go about a half hour prior to the interview. At this point, you’re probably a total basket case. Chug a beer, and then pour another, such as a Guinness, into a coffee mug. Unfortunately, dark stout beers that look like coffee are generally too low in alcohol to reduce your jangled mess of interview nerves, so add a few glugs of whiskey for good measure.
- Research the company: Don’t go in blind. If you’re interviewing for head supervisor at the hot dog factory, be ready to share some of your favorite hot dog anecdotes. Maybe one time your cousin Sloppy Joe ate too many and passed out on Grandma’s homemade Bonanza memorial quilt. I don’t know, make up your own shit. What I’m trying to say is, if you have an interview at a suit factory, you’re going to need a lot of suit jokes ready. In fact, now’s a good time to mention that in any interview you should be looking to get at least 10-15 jokes in.
- Practice makes perfect: Practice your responses to common interview questions in the mirror. Pay special attention to the eyebrows. They should waggle nonstop. Be sure to gesticulate as wildly as you can muster. That way, it’s obvious you know what you’re talking about.
- Prepare your own questions: You’re going to want to ask the interviewer a few questions of your own. Some good ones include: How exhaustive is the background check? Are you super-militant about background checks here? Would you hire an individual who’s committed mostly victimless crimes? Do I appear suspicious to you? I recommend writing these questions down and keeping them in front of you.
- Pay attention to body language: Non-verbal cues are crucial in online interviews. Do NOT drop eye contact, because the second you do, it’s curtains. Now, if you really want to impress the interviewer, maintain that steady, unrelenting eye contact while swinging a hand-knotted lasso over your head. It may seem arbitrary, but if you can do this for the duration, not only will you get the job, but your new boss will see you as the alpha and have no choice but to surrender the company to you.
- Clean up that online presence! Ensure that all of your online profiles reflect a professional image. Instead of posting that pic of you throwing up backstage after the latest Spice Girls reunion concert, simply choose a nice photo of yourself vomiting alone at home. Write a caption like, “Probably didn’t wash all that salad I ate well enough! Feels like I’m gonna blow out my GI tract!” This lets potential employers feel confident you’re not some kind of irresponsible partier-type.
- Set up a mock interview: Practice with a friend beforehand, and ask them to give you feedback. Were you too abrupt? Awkward? Ham-fisted? Greasy-looking? Any visible stink lines? If they’re a good friend, they’ll be honest and tell you to clean yourself up before you’re hauled away by a rogue gang of possums for the fifth time that week.
Lastly, plan ahead: Log in a few minutes before the scheduled interview time. Now, wait. This is the scary part, so chug another beer, and remember: you’re good! You followed the tips, and you’re sure to be hired as Assistant Associate Customer Care Specialist at Baby Baloney’s Baseball Bar. Bonus tip/challenge: try to stop scratching yourself before the interviewer joins the meeting!
