Boys, thanks for swarming on such short notice. We all know it’s brutal out there. A bloodbath. Other sales managers are blaming the macroeconomic conditions, but you know me—I don’t like excuses. We’re tougher than that. It’s time to adopt a wartime stance.
The demo call tomorrow morning is a goddamn knife fight. We need to come at them with machetes. Our new automated workflow will slit their throats. Our UX is a katana blade.
Sorry if I seem a bit on edge. Just be glad we’re not in person: I tied one on last night and reek of beer sweat. Some little shit complained to HR that I use “gendered” language. Something about how war and sports metaphors can alienate people. To be perfectly frank, I didn’t read the complaint very closely because I won’t let some jabroni get in my head when we’re so close to the end zone. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that crap with you fellas.
I mean, how else am I supposed to talk? I use these metaphors because there are clear wins and losses in war and sport, just like business. Clear victors. And we all know who writes history. This is just how I think about the world, and I refuse to lay down and take it from companies with flaccid collaboration tools. We can’t handle another defeat this quarter. We have to get on the gridiron and bust skulls.
HR recommended that I talk about what we do in literal terms. But no one would get amped if I said, “Let’s do a really good job giving this Google Slide presentation tomorrow and show how our project management software is marginally better than the competition’s.” Are you kidding me? I’m supposed to lead you, boys, into war, not make you confront how boring our jobs are. What red-blooded American male wants to face the banality of his own existence? Fuck that. We’re going to come in there tomorrow with guns blazing, obliterating their defense like the Rams against the Broncos last night. (Sorry Craig, couldn’t resist.)
All jokes aside, I want you fellas to know I got your backs out there. I’d take a bullet for each one of you, and you can always count on me for an assist. Never forget how bravely I fought for you last week when I converted our presentation to PowerPoint after we realized the prospect uses Microsoft instead of Google. And I know I don’t need to remind you of the Rebranding Battle of Q2. I’m still shell-shocked from that one. The night terrors never stopped.
Let me know if there are any last-minute issues with the software demonstration. We can attack them together, just blow those issues out of the fucking water. The worst thing any of us could do right now is play selfish ball. Every slide needs to be bulletproof, like armored tank bulletproof. Remember, we’re in a war—not sitting on our asses and typing on laptops from the comfort of our homes. Every mistake is a casualty we can’t afford.
I hope you’re feeling as bloodthirsty as I am. But I better hop off and head to my doctor’s appointment. The ball and chain has been on me about getting my colon checked. Cheers.
