According to a new study analyzing over 500 scary movies, researchers have concluded that the key to avoiding dying at the hands of a psychopathic killer, deranged monster, or possessed demon is simple: stay away from houses.
“Think about it,” said lead researcher Tiffany Clarkson, “What was the last horror flick you saw that took place in an apartment? It’s almost always a home! Halloween. Friday the 13th. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The list goes on and on. Whether it’s a secluded lakeside cabin, or a run-of-the-mill suburban split-level, monsters show a strong predilection for these types of dwellings.”
The news sent waves of relief over frightened moviegoers tired of sleeping with the lights on. “Now if I need peace of mind, I just remember that I’m $400,000 away from ever owning a home! Thanks, Capitalism!” boasted local resident Anthony Delano from the confines of his cramped yet ghost-free studio apartment.
However, not everyone was as excited about the findings. Several of the genre’s iconic villains worry that the revelation will drive down home ownership and in turn, a potential victim base.
“The secret’s out, huh,” lamented Michael Myers. “The truth is, we try to avoid targeting apartments. We can’t compete with the terror caused by landlords. Every now and then one of us will go against the grain, like Chucky in Child’s Play, but he was just a kid, and didn’t know any better.”
Particularly concerned was Freddy Kruger, who said that due to his trademark scissor fingers, is unable to use a standard apartment call box. “I couldn’t kill a subletter, even if I wanted to!” said Kruger. Unable to engage in his sadistic impulses, he now works as a checkout guy at Giant, which has posed its own challenges.
The study highlighted that other factors known to contribute to horrific peril, like deciding to split up or venturing down into a creepy basement, are still important to keep in mind no matter where you live.
