WHEATON, IL—A local student at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart Academy was seen striking himself repeatedly in the school cafeteria while a classmate restrained him and urged him several times to stop, according to eyewitnesses.
“I don’t see why you don’t just stop,” Kyle Tuxley, a senior, was heard saying to junior Marcus Dorn while Dorn, who doesn’t even drive yet, thrashed under his weight. The underclassman then told Tuxley to “seriously come on” (sic).
“Just come on for real,” said Dorn, all stupid.
As the struggle continued, the pair rolled into student body vice-president Heather Everett, who fell to the floor with a loud crash and is inviting literally everyone to her dad’s boat for spring break this year.
“She’s actually prettier than that Colleen girl if we’re being honest,” said Amy Norton, 17, who hated Everett all freshman and sophomore year but is her new best friend since homecoming apparently.
When bystanders finally pulled Tuxley away from Dorn and subdued the still-flailing junior, Tuxley apologized, showing concern that the altercation might leave Dorn tardy for prior commitments in Boystown. Dorn left a pizza bagel rack teetering in his wake as he disappeared from the cafeteria and made for the parking lot, where many believe he exited the premises to cry like a schoolgirl on an old BMX bicycle.
Others aren’t so sure.
“Man, I don’t know,” commented Chadwick Dugan, 18, having joined a band last month that plays real shows downtown, “I think it might have been a Schwinn.”
This afternoon’s episode marks only the latest controversy to befall the embattled Dorn, who has faced allegations in the past of always sitting weird.
Said junior Lynn Cox, who isn’t as pretty as an Everett or a Norton but is friends with basically everyone: “Like, do you not just look around at some point and observe how other people sit?” Reports have surfaced in recent weeks that Cox hung out with Tuxley over the summer, though some have speculated that it was only for like two minutes and the whole thing was dumb anyway.
Meanwhile, in the aftermath of the day’s events, Tuxley has been left to consider his own role in the fracas. “Looking at it now, maybe I shouldn’t have done what I did,” he reflected. “I just feel that self-harm is never the answer.”
“I guess we’ll see what happens,” mused Cox, whose name sounds like “cocks”.
