By: A Hungry Great White Shark
Recently, my beloved Governor Ron DeSantis (R-FL) has come under some unfair criticism from the legacy media for his rewrite of school curriculum in Florida. Specifically, Governor DeSantis and his Republican supporters in the state legislature ensure schoolchildren will learn about the benefits of slavery. Specifically, the real world vocational job skills slaves learned on the job.
Lost in the standard history of the centuries of kidnapping, abuse, rape, family destruction, murder and denial of any freedom is that slaves learned practical job skills like blacksmithing.
As a large ocean predator at roughly 20 feet in length and 4,500 pounds, I have the same problem. I appreciate that DeSantis and Republicans are taking a hotbox half-full perspective on slavery. As a former Navy man, DeSantis understands that sharks are actually the good guys concerning the USS Indianapolis. We need an ally because shark books and movies are kind of a downer.
The Jaws movies, The Shallows, Open Water, The Reef, the Sharknado series, Deep Blue Sea, 47 Meters Down, The Meg. Those woke Hollywood types love making graphic bloody deaths from hungry sharks like me seem like a bad thing. But don’t believe it.
If you went by the movies, getting stranded in the middle of the ocean only to be painfully torn apart by hungry sharks would be an ugly end. But that ignores all the positive aspects of dipping yourself in chum and falling off a boat.
In truth, there are many things you learn that can be applied later in the literal minutes left you have to live. For example, we need people slathered in fish guts and blood to explore the seas. By some metrics, a full 80 percent of the ocean remains unexplored. We have a clearer picture of space than we do of our ocean waters. NASA is using ocean exploration as a great test case for the kinds of equipment and preparation needed for lengthy space missions.
So finding yourself alone in the ocean amid a flurry of angry sharks is a wonderful opportunity to contribute to global learning on the fascinating ecology of the oceans and furthering scientific advancement across multiple disciplines. To make another bold leap for mankind before your flesh is torn apart and your red blood colors the blue waves as a shark picks you clean.
In addition, before meeting your inevitable doom, you may get the chance to meet cool other aquatic wildlife like the Little Mermaid (the white one), Aquaman, Spongebob, Nemo, Dory (remember her?) and DeSantis’ 2024 running mate Ursula. Imagine the social media clout you would gain on Truth Social Twitter if you shared pictures with those creatures, presuming you survived long enough to share those posts. You won’t. Sharks will eat you and you will die an agonizing death. But you might end with your most shared or liked post ever.
Also, sharks are kind of fascinating. There are more than 500 types of sharks in the ocean. You will learn all about how sharks hunt in very short order. An undergraduate degree in marine science at the University of Florida would cost somewhere between $90,000 to $190,000 depending on your residency status. Rather than risk associating with cultural Marxists in Gainesville at that price, do it for free. Jump on it, the water is fine. I mean, not for you ultimately, but we sharks love warm water and it’s getting warmer by the year.
You will quickly become one of the leading global experts on shark biology as our enhanced senses will locate you in record time. Much faster than the US Coast Guard. As our powerful teeth slice your body, you’ll notice how our lateral line, the ampullae of Lorenzini, senses electromagnetic pulses in the water to detect movement. Stare into the eyes of your executioner and see how we can absorb more light than other marine animals. You likely know all about “blood in the water” and our sense of smell. But now you’ll see it up close. Our 2.5” teeth are cute to see on display or some delicious surfer’s necklace. But rows of hundreds of razor-sharp teeth latching down with supreme force is not something you’ll experience in a boring museum.
Getting eaten by a shark sounds like a bad thing, and in truth, it may not be for everyone. But the next time you watch some scary movie or read about an attack, just remember there are positives to bleeding out as a ferocious shark bites down and rips you into pieces.
