MUSHROOM KINGDOM – After working nonstop for what felt like years, course guard and cloud rider Lakitu finally took a vacation from the sanctioned go-karting of the Mushroom Kingdom. Unfortunately, tragedy struck as multiple racers suffered fatal injuries during the day’s grand prix.
It seemed as if almost every racer went off the course at some point with varying degrees of consequence. It’s easy to speculate that the drivers are used to having Lakitu’s fishing line there to catch them and set them back on the course. Among the victims of what is being called the worst day in the history of the sport are unfortunately fan favorites Donkey Kong, Wario, and Yoshi. Shy Guy, Goomba, and Dry Bones also suffered fatal injuries, but we have heard reports that they will not be missed.
“In retrospect, I don’t think we should have had the racers drive at high speeds across a rainbow”. Said league commissioner Toad. “Some of them are still falling.”
A special guest from the neighboring kingdom of Hyrule, Link, narrowly survived his wreck. “I was racing along well, steadily approaching a rickety bridge guarded by a man-eating plant, when a baby version of Luigi hit me with a lit bomb. Next thing I knew I was rolling down the side of a giant donut. I expected Lakitu’s fishing hook any second but it never came. I’m just lucky I landed safely in icing. Hey, can someone explain to me how there was a baby Luigi in that race? I literally saw adult Luigi seconds before in the same race.”
Winner of today’s prie and therefore a trophy that looks like a big flower, Waluigi, said holding the prize was bitter sweet. “It felt wrong, you know. I was just driving and celebrating like usual, while Diddy Kong was trapped under his burning banana kart and Bowser’s mangled corpse was being carried away by Monty moles. On this day, it feels a little more hollow to say that everyone’s a cheater but me.”
Lakitu has yet to comment on the incident, but he was interviewed days ago about his upcoming time off. He excitedly said: “I put in a request from Bowser to have some time off years ago and it was finally approved! I haven’t seen my family in so long. I am teaching my son to fish, and hoping to pass along some strong moral values. I’m not worried about the races while I’m gone. After all, It’s go-karting, how bad could it get?”
