Florida Governor and Republican Presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis issued a statement Friday condemning the outbreak of leprosy in central Florida, citing liberals as the cause. “It’s bad enough that liberals are trying to turn our children gay. Now they’re trying to kill good Christian men and women by turning one of the Bible’s worst plagues loose in the state of Florida. It’s blasphemous, and it’s really mean.”
There is no evidence of the leprosy outbreak being a malicious event. Public health officials are still attempting to determine the cause of the disease, which appears to be originating in the state itself.
When asked why Governor DeSantis believes that liberals planted the leprosy bacteria in central Florida, he answered. “Who else would do it? There’s a reason we outlawed science in Florida. This is the reason. Leprosy is a disease that died out in the Bible. Some liberal elite academic made this in a laboratory funded by the deep state—it’s a coup, a woke insurrection.”
DeSantis has issued a curfew in central Florida of 7 pm. “Anyone who isn’t in the house by then will be rounded up and tossed into a furnace, just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Except Jesus won’t save them this time because we put him on a bus to DC. We don’t tolerate unemployed illegals here.”
Public Health officials decry DeSantis’ theory of planted bacteria. “Leprosy is caused by two bacteria found hosted by certain reptiles and mammals. The disease has likely incubated in Florida wildlife and spread to humans.”
DeSantis rejects the Public Health explanation. “It’s Antifa, and the mainstream media won’t tell the American people what’s happening here. If they can do this to Florida, they can do it to anyone. With a weaponized DOJ, we have nowhere to turn except the cast of Alligator Hunters, who agreed to pontoon in from Louisiana to trap and kill the leprosy.”
Governor DeSantis was last seen wrapping himself, his wife, and two children in Saran Wrap. Through a small slit in the stretched plastic across his face, he commented. “I have to tell you, when I’m President, I will issue every household a roll of plastic wrap. This protects from Covid-19, too. If Biden wasn’t so busy selling secrets to China and hiding Hunter’s laptop, he’d know about the plastic wrap. America needs a President who thinks outside of the box.”
DeSantis was later taken to Orlando General Hospital after suffering a heatstroke. He is recovering in the leprosy ward.
