“Stanford President Marc-Tessier Lavigne will resign after a report found flaws in his research.”
The New York Times
“Stanford alumnus Elizabeth Holmes was sentenced to more than 11 years in prison…after she was convicted months earlier on multiple charges of defrauding investors while running the now-defunct startup Theranos.”
CNN
“FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried has been serving his house arrest at his parents’ home, located on Stanford’s campus.”
Business Insider
Psst. Come here, I want to talk to you. Come closer, I don’t bite.
You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable. I designed a language model to predict every word of this conversation. It may seem like we’re talking, but I have already parsed through all of your past, present, and future interactions, compressing your life into a series of vulgar anecdotes that I will digitally store for my personal use. Don’t bother deleting your Twitter, because I already downloaded your tweets to learn more about you. Hey, what’s a Hello Kitty goth board? Is it like a goth mood board for Hello Kitty fans? That’s totally cool, I’m not judging.
Like my shoes? I swiped them off an underground Chinese e-marketplace for three hundred thousand yen. I would’ve spent more, but I lost my Series C profits in a bidding war for mining Goldcoin. That’s like Bitcoin but with Jeff Goldblum’s face on it. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because I’m working on a startup that’s going public tomorrow. It’s kind of a disruptive venture into the human-tech space that harnesses open-source physical hardware to combat widespread organic resource depletion. We’re using cutting-edge developments in bipedal transportation to revolutionize the food delivery space. Think Doordash but with people instead of cars.
In two years, I’ll be able to tell you whether I’ll be a billionaire. In five years, I’m going to master the stock market. In ten years, I plan to start thinking about progeny. I’m not looking for potential mates right now, my work’s just too important. But I guess if I had to choose a woman, I’d look for someone independent, practical, and resourceful. Think Sheryl Sandberg, but more blonde.
I guess I’m a people person. Strangers are always coming up to me and asking about my T-shirt that says ‘MAD for Machine Learning’, and then I tell them I don’t know who the hell Alfred E. Neuman is, and then they go away. I also drew a histogram on my iPad that shows my conversational success rates with different demographic groups. I’m pretty good with Latinos, but liberal women from ages 17-34 seem to keep their distance, and I have never spoken to an African-American person in my entire life. But I do have a 100% success rate with talking to Peter Thiel. You know, I like him despite his socialist pandering.
Still uncomfortable? You probably should be. I’ve spent so long drowning in exabytes of digital excrement that every human face now resembles a vaguely pornographic Internet deep fake. I am no longer using the algorithm, I am the algorithm. I am lurking in your walls, peering through your windows, gradually gathering your every characteristic until I can absorb your identity, our bodies uniting into a cosmic singularity of Promethean horror. Don’t worry, though – I would never even think about misusing your information. Trust me, I go to Stanford.