It’s common knowledge that there are two and only two different kinds of lizards: Moist and dry. Our wet boys and our dusty fellas both have their fair share of attributes, but of the two, which is best overall? Most of us have asked ourselves this question time and time again, never reaching a concrete solution to this age-old question of superiority, but today we present the answer.
We’ll start with moist lizards. Those that are all wet and slimy, no matter their size and shape, have a significant advantage over dry lizards: They’re able to wiggle their way in and out of small crevices and nooks thanks to their natural lubrication. A dry lizard’s lack of lube is the reason why you find them crammed between rocks and refrigerator doors so consistently.
Despite their tendency to get stuck everywhere, a dry lizard’s dusty exterior can be advantageous: When being handled by a human being, they’re much less likely to be dropped, which provides a significant safety advantage. Almost every day we see news articles covering the tragic death of a moist lizard via slippage, whether they land on a rock or into oncoming traffic. Keeping oneself dry is a great way to avoid an untimely demise.
Let’s talk about aesthetics. It’s no secret that shiny is in these days, which means that moist lizards are out here turning heads and making their dry counterparts green with envy (but also they’re green because that’s the color of a lizard). Wetness is synonymous with sex, which makes a shiny, moist lizard the sexiest reptile around.
All told, the winner is obvious. We’ve all spent countless, sleepless nights trying to determine a victor, but in reality, we were just lying to ourselves. Deep down we knew who the winner was all along, but maybe we just didn’t want it to be true. Maybe we just wanted to continue to deliberate because it distracted us from our miserable lives with our unfulfilling jobs and terrible family members whom we hate. But the truth was always there, nestled in our hearts: Moist lizards reign supreme. With their sleek, sexy bodies and agile movements, moist lizards are and always will be the dominant of the two lizards that exist.
