This post is timely, topical, and perfectly in season.
Kids these days just aren’t scared of anything that’s in black and white. When you look at what terrifies the current crop of tweens it’s all possessed dolls and the government mandated 24-hour Purge. That’s why we’ve come up with these new spins on classic monster movies sure to chill the bones of modern audiences.
Frankenstein:
Lightning strikes, the monster lives! The next day he is discharged by Dr. Frankenstein and given a $300,000 bill for the medical treatment. The horror boils over as Frankenstein’s monster learns being sewn together with grave robbed body parts is only covered by HMO plans, not his PPO.
Dracula:
In this one, Dracula isn’t just a vampire: he’s two of them. After a freak accident where Dracula DNA gets spliced together with more Dracula DNA, the prince of darkness transforms into a SUPER VAMPIRE with all the powers of two vampires! That means the sun doesn’t kill him anymore, because it would take two suns, and we only have the one. This summer, one wooden stake just won’t cut it. It’ll take several, probably.
The Wolf Man:
Furries.
The Invisible Man:
Wanting to instill pain and chaos upon an entire town anonymously, the vile but brilliant Dr. Jack Griffin does something no one has done before him. He logs onto literally any website and begins posting into every comment section!
Creature From the Black Lagoon:
A24 produces this prestigious, trauma filled reboot. It takes place in Florida and the monster isn’t in it.
The Mummy:
American archeologists accidentally uncover the Egyptian prince Ihmotep, who returns to the land of the living, expecting to once again hold power over the populous. Lucky for him, as soon as the American government learns he is 4,000 years old, they rush to make him a member of the U.S. Senate.