I don’t ask for much in this life: a roof over my head, a job to pay the bills and keep me fed. I didn’t get to see Beyoncé on the Renaissance Tour, but you can’t win them all, I suppose.
When it comes to love, I like to keep it simple. Kindness and a sense of humor have always gone a long way in my heart, but it’s hard to find that special someone, you know?
However, a recent trip to the grocery store showed me what I’ve been looking for all my life. And honestly, I’m a little pissed all the men who have come in and out of my life have failed to treat me like I deserve.
Walking down the snack aisle, an interesting silver and blue bag caught my eye. “Pirate’s… Booty?” I said out loud to myself. “How could this be?”
Flabbergasted and a bit intrigued, I bought a bag and went home to investigate. Surely, this had to be a mistake.
Or so I thought. As I examined the package, I saw my suspicions were correct. This pirate’s butt is famous and, honestly, I can’t say that it’s well-deserved.
Call me jealous, call me spiteful, but this pirate’s ass is nothing special. Out of all the boyfriends I’ve had, not one has liked my rear end enough to name even like a granola bar or something basic after it, and this… THIS is who gets to live my dream?! Completely unfair.
After some detailed research, I learned that Pirate’s Booty was originally founded by Robert’s Gourmet Food, LLC before being bought by the Hershey Company. I began sending one letter a week asking to get in touch with Robert. I needed to know exactly what about this pirate’s ass had him so transfixed that he went and did such an incredibly grand, romantic gesture.
After months of trying to get into contact with them, my eyes lit up in excitement but then fell in bitter disappointment upon seeing an envelope in the mail marked “cease and desist” from the Hershey Company. Well, shit.
They do say finding the one is hard, so I guess this is just another bump in the road. But finally, I know what I want. And I know what I deserve.
I won’t settle for anything less.
