The Daily Wire, a conservative website populated by the whiniest, weakest, whitest person in your high school, has launched a streaming platform. It’s called Bentkey and is promising to counter the dangers of a “woke” Disney.
Here is a handy primer on what parents can expect if they sign up for programming instead of doing literally anything with the subscription money, including, and not limited to, setting it on fire.
Reimagined Disney Classics at Bentkey
This section will take all the Disney stories you know and love, but placed in the proper ideological spectrum.
Peter Pan: The Lost Boys are recast as a heroic band of incels conquering the Indians. That horrible song every decent person skips stays in there, though. Captain Hook and the alligator are an allegory for the national debt and the clock is ticking.
Mulan: Mulan is not allowed to change genders in order to enlist. Instead she cheerfully demonstrates that a woman should not seek a life beyond homemaking. The film also weaves in Bentkey’s “One China” policy in order to gain wider distribution for China’s 1.4 billion population.
Bambi: It’s about guns. How fun they are. How loud they are. How cool they look. Guns, guns, and more guns. For sport and self-defense from dangerous loose deer, of course.
Coco: This time Coco is caught by border security crossing from the Land of the Dead to the Land of the Living and has to stay pursuant to the “Remain in the Land of the Dead” policy meant to deter Día de Los Muertos migrants.
Little Mermaid: She’s white. Also, Ariel never gets her voice back as the trade works for everyone, showing that women should just look pretty and not speak.
Sleeping Beauty: Pretty much follows the same story except Prince Phillip is canceled after awaking Aurora with that kiss. The lesson here is how the #MeToo movement has gone too far.
Aladdin: This time Aladdin pulls himself up by his bootstraps to earn his perch, instead of using the social safety hammock of a genie’s magical powers. You don’t need government assistance to rise above street rat status.
New Disney Originals on Bentkey
It must be exhausting always rooting for the antihero.
Cruella: Forget Emma Stone, this origin story is voiced by Kellyanne Conway and focuses on the triumph of the free market and rapacious capitalist fervor.
Gaston: This retelling doesn’t involve that one-second clip of LaPoof touching hands with a dude at the end of the live-action Auto-Tune version – the one that got it banned from a theater in Alabama. In this epic, Gaston (voiced by Mel Gibson obvi) coordinates a successful charge on January 6th to ensure Donald Trump remains president. SPOILER: Gaston ends up being named VP since Mike Pence is no longer available to do the job. He burns a lot of books.
Cara Dune: She’s back! Gina Carano was fired from The Mandalorian for her hateful racist conduct that was pretty extreme even for social media. Even Elon thought she should chill. This time the show revolves around Cara Dune since she is basically a human Daily Wire.
Claude Frollo: The governor from Pocahontas. He owns a German Shepard now, not a pug. He isn’t mining for gold, it’s Bitcoin, used to fund a new Christian free-speech university ethnically cleansed of dissenting viewpoints.
An Offer Just for You!
Subscribe in the next 30 days and get a free plastic tote bag because reusable stuff is for simps. Special discounts available starting in December for all interested dads who will only need the service two weekends a month (at most).