HAPPY KWANZAA!
Wishing you a happy holiday and hoping that you’ll abandon false prophets and accept our one true Lord. Halleluiah! Or whatever you people say.
HAPPY 25TH ANNIVERSARY!
Thank you for being a living example of what “lifetime commitment” really means. You have inspired me to proceed with my divorce.
HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY!
I’m so glad that 10 years ago your mom and dad got drunk and forgot to use a condom!
CONGRAULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT!
I’ve never seen two people who so totally deserve each other. If you think I mean that in a good way, then I wish you the long-term happiness of continuing to believe that.
YOU’RE MARRIED!
May this first one teach you the lessons you’ll apply to the third one, which is generally the one that works. That’s the one where you finally abandon romantic illusions and are ready to accept what marriage really means.
YOU HAD A BABY!
This should finally force you to stop being a control freak.
