Every year, the president pardons two turkeys, saving them from a horrid Thanksgiving fate. This year, Turkeys Liberty and Bell received the high honor, but what about the other slew of turkeys currently serving sentences in maximum security turkey prison who were considered?
The following turkeys were deemed too vile for any current or future pardon, and we can guarantee they will be cooked and devoured this Thanksgiving.
Reginald G. Goozelman
CRIME: NEVER VENMO’D THE TURKEY WHO TOOK CARE OF THE BILL
You thought you weren’t breaking a law when you “forgot” to Venmo your friend after drinks the other day? Technically true. Just don’t find yourself as a turkey on Thanksgiving day hoping to receive a pardon. You’ll be dry brined and stuffed before you know it. It’s a dick move of the highest order! Venmo your friend turkey!
Pilgrim Jenkins
CRIME: TAX EVASION
It’s alleged that Chicago-born Pilgrim Jenkins ran a criminal turkey empire behind turkey gambling, turkey prostitution, turkey bootlegging, turkey bribery, turkey narcotics trafficking, turkey robbery, turkey “protection” rackets, and normal murder. While he was never pegged for any of these crimes, the turkey FBI finally nailed him for tax evasion. Naturally, they threw the book at him and he’ll be steaming on a plate this year despite the low-level white-collar crime.
Flappy Feathers
CRIME: UNKEMPT WATTLE
The wattle is the most important visual aspect of a turkey expecting to be pardoned on Thanksgiving day. It is the sign of a distinguished and honorable Meleagris Gallopavo. If one is to be presented as pardonable, one must upkeep the most dangly of gifts from God. Failure to keep a well-groomed set of chin nuts should be met with decapitation followed by a compound butter glaze. Pictures below as a guide:
Giblet
CRIME: The Turkey of Wall Street
This turkey traded penny stalks and made a lot of feathers during the late ’80s by utilizing pump-and-dump stuffing schemes on uninformed investors. Over a decade later, Giblet was arrested on fraud charges and would have been served that year if he had not agreed to wear a wire and gather dirt on all the other turkeys at the farm that had made him a very rich bird. Unfortunately, the second a turkey judge heard he was dabbling in cryptocurrency his original plea deal was revoked and he will be smothered in gravy this Thanksgiving.
Birdy
CRIME: BLAND MAC AND CHEESE
This disgusting criminal went to a Thanksgiving potluck and insisted she get to bring the mac and cheese, only to bring a dish so bad, the rest of the group had to save the dinner by ripping open an emergency Stouffer’s they had in their doomsday bunker.
John Schnatter
CRIME: USED A SLUR
There is only one documented example of this occurring in turkey history. In fall 1997, turkey John Schnatter (no relation and, yes, turkeys have names just like us, you ignorant prick) was on his way to being pardoned when he found himself in an altercation with turkey Gus Typhoon. A nearby turkey overheard John refer to Gus as a “ch*cken.” John was immediately unpardoned and this year will be served over a bed of mashed potatoes. Unconfirmed reports say his card was finally drawn for consumption this year as he was specifically requested as the Thanksgiving turkey for Michael Richards.
Gus Gobbler
CRIME: ACTED LIKE A DICK OVER WHETHER IT’S DRESSING OR STUFFING
This turkey wouldn’t shut up last Thanksgiving about whether the meal consisted of turkey and dressing or turkey and stuffing. Look, we’re sure there’s a difference, but both are delicious and the best part of this holiday so just let it go and enjoy it. Oh, it’s also worth noting that the entire lengthy rant Gus went on was accented by him just going to town on the turkey that was served. So this one is also for cannibalism.
THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER
CRIME: THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER
There is a price to fame everywhere. Turkeys were always a lowkey bunch. They never stepped outside of their box – until the WWF Survivor Series in 1990. On the big screen, Mean Gene Okurland promised to interview a big star and what happened next shook the feathers of viewers worldwide. The Gobbledy Gooker has been played by many a turkey over the years and the lighthearted bit almost always leads to a chokeslam from the Undertaker! But what you may not know is that each one who dared to step into the spotlight was immediately roasted the following Thanksgiving. I mean how could anyone resist? It’s a five-foot turkey! Feed a village with that!