As Lloyd wheeled his unopened box of grandparents through the mall, he couldn’t help but feel a little stupid. It was the same walk of shame from three years ago, when Lloyd exchanged a barely-used set of Classic Turbo models for these Classic Premiums. Deep down, Lloyd thought he loved grandparents. But between work, dating, friends. Lloyd barely had time to take a crap. Plus, grandparents were forever. If Lloyd changed his mind again, he would simply drive down to GranStop and buy another set. Yet, stepping inside the store, the walls lined with every kind of grandparent imaginable—old, young, skinny, fat, rich, poor—Lloyd experienced nostalgia like never before. What was he doing?
A pimple-faced teen with ERNIE on his nametag asked, “Making an exchange today?”
Lloyd barely heard the kid, eyes drifting between boxes of twinkling grandparents. “Uh. Yeah. An exchange.”
“Cash or store credit?”
Lloyd hesitated. “…let’s do cash.”
Ernie gave a small and patient smile, assessing the type of grandson in front of him. He’d seen them all. “Sorry if this crosses a boundary, but I’m sensing some hesitation.”
Lloyd sighed dramatically. “It feels like I wasted grandparents in my twenties. These Classic Premiums, I didn’t even open the box! And before the CPs I had the Classic Turbos, which I only used once. We went to dinner to celebrate my birthday or something. The whole meal I sat on my phone, texting a girl about how I was out with my grandparents, hoping she would see me as sensitive. And of course it worked. After dinner, the Turbos went right back in the box and I headed over to her place.”
Ernie nodded coldly. “That’s how it is with some people and grandparents.” He could’ve been more profound, more comforting. But Ernie knew too many Lloyds to waste time.
Lloyd looked over the Classic Premiums, wishing he did things differently. And that’s when it hit him: so what if he wasted grandparents in his twenties? Lloyd was only thirty! He was more mature now, more able to appreciate precious memories. His twenties were a hectic mess. But his thirties? Lloyd realized his thirties might be the best grandparenting years yet!
“Still moving forward with the exchange?” Ernie asked.
A seemingly new Lloyd said, “Yes, but I want store credit put towards a new set of grandparents.”
“Cool,” Ernie said, suspecting this might happen. “Do you know which model?”
Lloyd spoke from the heart. “Something more … how do I say this? Something more fun than the Classic series.”
It took every ounce of Ernie’s professionalism to remain calm. Some people, they just don’t understand why grandparents are special. “Have you heard about The Aspens?” He nodded at a neon blue box behind him. “They’re Grantendo’s take on ‘trendy’ grandparents.”
Lloyd inspected the tan and handsome couple, both wearing expensive pink ski suits and matching goggles. “Wow,” Lloyd whispered.
“You get a recently widowed silver-fox grandpa and a recently widowed cougar step-grandma from Boca Raton. They enjoy vacations. Skiing. Instagram. Sushi. They say things like ‘dope’ and ‘deadass’ and ‘big dick energy’. And they aren’t programmed with any default settings from the Classic series.”
This really got Lloyd’s attention. “You mean I could move in with my girlfriend right now, and they wouldn’t care?”
“They’d help you move! They’d post about it on TikTok!”
“I could get a face tattoo and—”
“—and they’d pay for it!”
“Technology, we’ve come so far.” Lloyd whistled with wonder. “They’re exactly what I want from grandparents. Yepp. I’ll take The Aspens.”
Ernie thought there wasn’t a grandparent in existence exactly like Lloyd wanted. But Ernie kept quiet and got started on the paperwork.
And that was that. Lloyd signed over his Classic Premiums and paid the difference for The Aspens, not believing the mistake he almost made. The Aspens represented a new chapter. No longer would Lloyd take grandparents for granted! He would head home and wrap up work for the week, go to the gym, make an elaborate dinner, get eleven hours of sleep, and then tomorrow, Saturday, Lloyd would take The Aspens indoor skydiving. He wanted to impress them right away. Show them what kind of grandson he was.
But wait. Lloyd forgot all about Tina’s birthday brunch tomorrow. And then Sunday was drinking with the boys. Oh, well. Lloyd would spend time with his grandparents next weekend. Or the weekend after that. Whenever he had time, really. Because that was the best part about grandparents. They weren’t going anywhere.
Ernie watched Lloyd wheel The Aspens out of GranStop, and at the same time Jenna entered the store. She wheeled a set of battered Classic Originals to the counter, wires hissing from the grandma’s missing arm, the grandpa’s face in a state of frozen shock.
Ernie’s stomach sank. “What happened?”
Jenna sniffled. “An escaped bear took off Mimi’s arm at the zoo earlier today. And now Coco won’t turn on. It’s almost like the shock fried his system.”
Ernie nodded soberly. “I’ve seen something similar involving a shark attack.”
“Walking around the zoo together, it’s what Mimi loved.”
Ernie blinked back tears. “Truly tragic. Are you looking to make an exchange?”
“No. I’m hoping you can dispose of these the proper way—by sending them to the Big Grandparent Party in the sky.”
“I can put them in the incinerator, no problem. But if I do, you won’t get any store credit for the parts.”
“I don’t want money. I don’t even want another set of grandparents. I just want to do right by these things that were so good to me.”
Ernie, thinking of his own Nana and Gramps at home, thinking about how after work they were going to a movie, Ernie had to clear his throat before next speaking. “I understand. That’s how it is with some people and grandparents.”
