Snowflakes, cheer, and capitalism fills the air. It is once again the season of giving and receiving presents from loved ones, people you didn’t realize you were supposed to get a gift for, and, most importantly, Santa Claus.
Knowing we were gracious good boys all year long, Mr. Sandwich obviously wrote letters to the big guy spelling out exactly what we hope he will bring us. We’ve decided to post those letters here for posterity.
Andrew’s Letter
Dear Santa,
Before I get started, here’s a link to a subway surfers gameplay video: https://youtu.be/7ghSziUQnhs?si=jfJnUWut5K47vUa9.
Whenever I’m talking to my boys, I always find it’s easier to keep their attention if I throw one of these up on the tv behind me. And I NEED you to lock in for my list this year because everything on here is a MUST HAVE. We’re talking only non-negotiables. kk?
Alright king, so you know how every year I always ask for a modest amount of gifts because I’m an empath and don’t like to think about you having to carry ALL those presents down my chimney? Well, I feel like I’ve saved up enough good karma to really unload this year.
(Subway surfers link again: https://youtu.be/7ghSziUQnhs?si=WgbcCaNBwixxYyz5)
- FORTNITE V-BUCKS
- 75 PRE-MADE TRAYS OF LASAGNA TO HAND OUT TO THE UNHOUSED POPULATION
- A SELFIE STICK
- THE IPHONE 15 PRO
- THE HAT THAT PHARELL WILLIAMS WORE DURING THAT PHASE IN THE EARLY 2020s.
- MY WORK BESTIE TO HAVE THE SAME SCHEDULE AS ME AGAIN
- LANA DEL RAY TO BE ON MY SPOTIFY WRAPPED NEXT YEAR
- I’ve tried! Her songs are so sad! But all the girlies love Lana.
- FORTNITE V-BUCKS
- HEALTH INSURANCE
- Barf
- AN OMURICE OMELETTE
(Subway Surfers link: https://youtu.be/7ghSziUQnhs?si=WgbcCaNBwixxYyz5)
- A ROLE IN A MARVEL FILM
- LEGOS
- 2 SAMSUNG LG REFRIGERATORS
- CANCEL HARRY STYLES
TYSM for coming through for me every year. You’re him frfr.
Slaying and Sleighing,
Andrew
Walt’s Letter
Tucker’s Letter
Dear Santa (cringe),
I can’t believe my wife is making me write this. I’m so tired of having to tell you what gifts I want when you’re supposed to know. It’s your whole job to know everything. Anyway, here’s a list of what I want:
Founders Edition NVIDIA GeForce RTX 4090 24GB GDDR6X Graphics Card
- I can’t game with my current graphics card (NVIDIA GeForce RTX 3090 Ti Founders Edition) because it only runs at 300% efficiency compared to the 4090’s 310% efficiency and I know the extra $700 is so worth it so that I can play VR games on max resolution (they’re cool shooter VR games nothing weird I promise).
Peter Griffinn Fotnite
- Peter Grifin is in FOrtnite and I think he’s cool so I want the Peter Griffin Fortnite Skin please.
Death Grips – Ex Military Vinyl
- Death Grips is my favorite industrial hip hop group featuring MC Ride and production team Zach Hill and Andy Morin. The album, Ex Military, has them at their most hard hitting and experimental in my opinion. I think $700 is a steal for one of their top 3 albums from one of my top 20 artists.
Bread
- I ran out of bread and if you could just put it under the tree that would be cool so I don’t have to ask my wife to go get some.
eminem 8 mile final rap battle
- Idk how busy you are but you gotta watch this shit it’s so cool
Pharrell Hat
- Pharrell Hat
Uhhh………Fuckin,,…. Ummm..haha yeah 😛
Pant
Santa do you even read this?
- There’s no way Santa really has enough time to read everyone’s Christmas lists. This is probably being read by some elf who works for Santa and only writes down like 3 of the things I ask for since I never get all the things I want on my list. I’m onto you, elf.
Head
- I miss the intimacy my wife and I used to have in our youth. With the kids always running around and us not having enough time in the day to be with one another I really just want something genuine. I just want us to look at each other in the eyes the way we used to.
Fortnite V-Bucks
- I haven’t decided on a skin yet but when I have the 20 bucks in there I’ll probably find something.
A Gun
- Idk this just seems like a fuckin sick ass thing to have. Like, “What did you get for Christmas?” “Oh, I got a new shirt.” “Oh, that’s cool, guess what I got. A frickin gun!” That would be flippin sweet.