As you likely know, there has been fevered speculation online about who and what we would all learn from the Jeffrey Epstein list. Unhinged conjecture has been a wonderful playground for all kinds of ugly conspiracy theorists, terminally online grifters, and the darkest recesses of the human mind.
Fake screenshots are circulating everywhere showing people you disagree with politically have definitely flown on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet and met with the sex trafficker. While we know there are pictures of Donald Trump with Epstein and Elon Musk with Ghislaine Maxwell. Of course, Elon did get subpoenaed in the Epstein banking case.
But, I Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas am outraged by this Epstein List and who is on it. Because it also matters who is absent. It is simply unconscionable that I, the most brazenly corrupt judicial official in the history of the United States am NOT included on this list. I look like some beta simp without my name on there.
Lets not forget my confirmation hearing and the serious sexual misconduct allegations.
I have shown time and again that I actively court financial largesse and lavish rewards from a shadowy network of billionaire oligarchs seeking to manipulate the American political system. Food, wine, vacations, junkets, pay raises, property deals, any and all forms of quid-pro-quo solicited and gleefully accepted.
So combine my obsession with cultivating favor among the wealthy global elite and history of sexual improprieties. Of course, I should be on the Epstein List. Why was I excluded? Is this yet another prominent example of a conservative being silenced? Silenced, like a Supreme Court Justice who went a decade without asking a question on the highest court of the land.
I basically turned my Supreme Court chair up for bid every term. This enables any plutocrat or well styled corpulent feline with dollar signs for eyes to advance his or her, just kidding its only ever a his, rapacious political agenda through a specious claim of constitutional originalism.
I mean what more could Jeffrey Epstein be looking for? Did I need to invite him over for a massage? I’m one of the 9 most powerful people in the U.S. if not the world. I Clarence Thomas should have been on that Epstein List. I should be one of the more prominent names font larger than John Hancock’s on the Declaration of Independence. John Hancock. Oh, that reminds me of a joke I need to tell all the female clerks.
The judgment of the internet frothers is reversed, and the Epstein List is remanded for further proceedings consistent with this opinion. It is so ordered.
