Dear Father:
First of all, let me congratulate you on your new fatherhood. It fills me with joy to be the first person in our family to do so on this occasion. Secondly, I would like to tell you that I am aware that it is not usual for a newborn to bring a handwritten letter with it, but the subject I am addressing seems to me to be extremely urgent.
If I am writing this letter to you and not to my dear mother, it is because, as I understand, you have unilaterally decided to name me Blouncie, a name with a deep-rooted tradition in your family. My intention with these lines is to make you change your mind because, in my opinion, there are better options for a boy like me.
Don’t get me wrong, I have infinite respect for this name and for the people who bear it. I must also recognize that, at least, it is not a bland name. However, I think that on this occasion we would be crossing the fine line that separates originality from, with all due respect, complete nonsense.
In addition to this, the analysis of the precedents of this name in our family makes me fear that, if I were to be named that, my future would be compromised. Take your great-great grandfather, the first Blouncie we have record of. He was a janitor in late 19th century London who gained notoriety for being the first person in history to be electrocuted to death by sticking his wet fingers into a socket. Another example would be your great-uncle from Crapstone, Devon, who held the position of town drunk for more than two decades. The list goes on and on but I would like to end this part of my letter by mentioning your cousin from Two Egg, Florida, who was the first person to pay for Twitter X’s blue check.
As you can see, all of these people have achieved excellence in the field of mediocrity, and I believe that, modesty aside, I am destined for something far greater. I am special. I know it’s wrong for me to say so, but you, of all human beings, should understand me because you are special too and I know that, in addition to being aware of it, you try to prove it every chance you get.
I am special, take this letter as an example. I won’t bore you with the details of how I managed to write it, but I’m sure that almost no baby has the skill and/or inventiveness to accomplish this task. Certainly none of my siblings have had the ability to do so, yet they don’t have to carry the burden of such a quirky name.
Finally, I would like to add that, given your prolific activity in terms of offspring, I am convinced that you will have many more occasions to give this name to one of your future children, so the family tradition, in my humble opinion, would be assured.
Having stated my reasons, I propose a list of ten names that I consider much more appropriate:
– Mega Thunder
– Awesome MacCool
– Nero Burning ROM
– Ultra Zen Conqueror
– Baron Von Kiss-a-lot
– Cyber Colossus
– Ultimate Ne0Jesus
– Larry
– Turbo Titan
A man of your intelligence will have realized by now that there are nine names here, not ten. That is because I save my favorite and what I think is the best choice for last.
I beg you to reconsider, Father. Trust me. With your resources and my potential, the sky’s the limit.
Kind regards,
Techno Mechanicus Musk