Have you ever met someone who really loves vegetables? As in, someone who really, really, truly loves vegetables? No. You most certainly have not. You haven’t even met someone who sort of loves vegetables. In fact, there’s a strong chance that you don’t even know a single, solitary human being who has eaten a vegetable in the last three months, do you?
That is all to say that there is absolutely NO way that you yourself loves, likes, occasionally enjoys or even eats vegetables out of necessity. Let me explain.
Ever since the beginning of the end of the infamous COVID-19 pandemic, people have slowly but surely reduced their vegetable intake. The reason? People ate so many vegetables while on lockdown that year, they simply decided to never do it again. That’s right, they became determined to never ever touch vegetables again. Vowed not to look at them, even.
Now, you might be thinking, “If nobody cares about vegetables anymore, why the hell are there still vegetables being sold at supermarkets, roadside stands, and greasy dumpsters around the world?’
That’s a good question. Well, actually, it’s not. However, the answer is simple: NOBODY SELLS VEGETABLES ANYMORE. IT’S A LIE.
How do I know all of this information? It’s simple, really.
I used to be a vegetable consumer as well, you see. I spent years chewing away at carrots and broccoli for lunch, as well as chomping on corn on the cob for dinner and celery for dessert. I was a vegetable fiend, to put it simply, and my appetite for roots and leaves was downright outrageous. During the aforementioned global pandemic, my vegetable intake increased still more, to the point where I felt shunted by twig carbs, intoxicated by veggie oil. So when the onslaught of COVID calmed down and I was able to go back out to the markets and grocery hubs again, I practically sprinted down their aisles picking everything off the shelves, everything but greens. Shit, I even picked up some asparagus. That’s not a vegetable, right?
I’m convinced that literally every other person in this world did exactly the same thing. And you know what? I bet I’m right. Not because I think vegetables are inherently even bad, but rather because nobody cares about vegetables anymore. They never will.
But what about ranch dressing, you say? While this raises a valid point – the creamy, succulent taste of a beautiful ranch delight is surely a force of nature – the fact that there exist simple delights that may go well with vegetables and zest them up a bit does not negate the plain truth: Nobody really gives a shit about vegetables anymore.
