Dear Truck Nuts,
Your 15 minutes of fame is over. The human race is done staring at a ball sack through the glow of brake lights at 7:00 am while trying to wolf down an Egg McMuffin in the car, already late to work and filled with road rage from being cut off, nay, almost run off the road by a truck that’s been lifted so high that the driver needs a parachute to get down.
By having a gigantic truck, everyone already knows your owner is overcompensating for having a small d**k (which he thinks is huge), but then you dangled in to officially declare your owner a member of the micro-penis club.
And, let’s talk about authenticity for a minute. Where’s the ball-fro? Everyone knows the men that flaunt you are NOT shaving their balls. You could, at the very least, be an accurate representation of a hairy pair of rocks in socks.
That’s why I, the Bumper Beaver, am the new rage! I come in all shapes and sizes, ranging from cute, perky, little labia to basset hound-ears-esque beef curtains that flap in the wind. I also have various add-on kits for customization. For example, the Bush Kit provides multiple options for ‘gina hair color, size, thickness, and design. My Candida Kit includes a copious amount of thick, white cream that will stick to me for approximately 5-7 days. The Herpes Helper Kit alerts potential suitors that owners are in the middle of a mean, but short-lived outbreak. And, lastly, the Vulva Variations Kit includes genital warts, skin tags, and faux piercings.
So, take that, Leroy! Good luck peacefully eating your Egg McMuffin at 7:00 am while staring at Dumbo-ear-sized fanny flaps sparsely covered with gray hair sporting a nasty yeast infection.
Loudly queefing you goodbye,
Bumper Beavers
