Wow. I can’t believe I won an Oscar. In fact, I can’t even believe I got a job doing acting, as I have zero experience acting, or have any talent for it. But because my family is extremely well-connected, I was gifted this part in this movie that my parents were executive producers of.
I’d like to thank the movie industry for taking a chance on a lazy, private school kid with a rich dad. I’d like to thank the director, my uncle, for doing his brother a solid. And I’d also like to thank my rich dad for bribing the Academy for making sure I got this really neat little statue.
I’d also like to thank my elementary school limo driver, who never forgot to stop by Starbucks and always remembered my preferred order.
And I’d like to leave you all with this. The world isn’t just handed to you. But if you work hard every day, or, well, some days – or well, no days – and have a dad who is good friends with Steven Spielberg and Judd Apatow, you too can become a person holding this golden trinket on stage in front of other rich people.
Oh, is that music telling me to shut up and get off stage?
